Halloween?

Halloween, a holiday that has been imported to other countries, successfully and unsuccessfully. As a kid, I assumed it was an odd holiday in E.T. When they put a sheet over him and made him walk around. I grew up thinking it was pure evil and one day me and some friends were singing a kids song that had the word "ghoul" and "witch" in it. I was called over by my friends Dad and told off for encouraging the younger kids to sing such a sinful song. I was 9, and quite confused as to why.

So now tonight is my first Halloween. People from work are having a big party, semi celebrating the handover of work with a major film we have been working on. So its a big piss up really, and I am going to be social and you know, have fun and stuff. Will probably end up drinking a little too much, dancing a little too much but everyone liking me for it. Funny how thats the case.

Not much planned for the weekend yet, but I am so shit at remembering stuff like that I say maybe to everything and then when the actual events come around I dont go to anything since I have either a) forgotten or b) forgotten. Though Heather and I will go on some adventure on Sunday probably!

Neal, well we have had a few more chats, it seems it is going to be too hard to be friends. Seeing him become a zombie in front of me, because he is disconnecting emotionally (totally understandable) just plain sucks. To see someone who you shared your life with for quite a while, turn into a stranger who you cant even hug anymore. So I think the Jury is out as to whether we will see or talk at the moment full stop, though there is no point putting up rules, cause there is just the temptation to break them. I respect his decisions and he respects mine, and to help each other move on we will do what is needed. So if thats not talking then ok.

I plan to start scripting next week for a music video I am doing for a mate. It should be fun, and I got so much more use out of Denise my chicken to come!!

Es Regnet....

So its raining, tomorrow its gonna be really hot, then rain again the following day. Its called October in Sydney, Australia. The place where we have no real spring weather, just hot cold hot cold until hot grasps hold and pushes cold away. The same happens in April with Autumn, though the opposite of course.

I was walking past the townhouse next door to my work and a small stuffed harp seal landed at my feet. I heard a giggle and looked up, a little girl was poking her head out the window above and grinning. She was holding what looked like a stuffed octopus (the toy kind not the.. preserved sea creature type) and with one big throw, well for a small girl, it landed down next to the harp seal. She was stoked.. Having the time of her life pretending to kill or possibly make her stuffed toys fly. It just made me smile, and reminded me of the time I would have done that.

Though my toys were a stuffed blue dog, blue elephant and blue teddy bear. They were somehow a family and I was God to them. I built them a house out of a box the new fridge came in when I was 7, and I took them everywhere and they all had their own voices. Now I feel better that this has now been recorded in the written word, cause who else gives a shit?? Ha ha.

In the same afternoon I walked down the alleyway near my work and my favourite colour was before me, in the image of a tree with brand new leaves. That colour of yellow mixed with green that suggested brand new life, soft and fresh. I took a photo and thought hey I am cool, going straight to the blog.

Today its raining, so this is deceiving if I said the photo was taken today, it was actually yesterday.

So spring is here, its raining, but hey new life maybe? Or is that cliche and way too positive.

Backwards or Forwards?

An event in time always makes us go back and forwards in different ways. Just like the small wave on the water, can rock a boat, move it a little, floating wherever.

I saw Neal last night. Always good seeing him, and knowing that energy that is there between us. Though I guess last night pushed me backwards, missing him, doubting if I made the wrong decisions, but also pushed me forward. Not wanting to seek out random hookups or guys in general. Knowing he is moving on, hurts like hell, but he needs to, he has his life and not fair him waiting around to get my life sorted. So its good to know things are changing.

But I know for me, nothing wont really fill that gap so there is no point trying. So will keep marching down the road, since either side of me has "No entry" signs.

Onto lighter things, I saw the blind man today that I knocked over, he didn't see me. Oh, I didnt even think of how that was inappropriate or deliberate. It was not meant to be funny.

Grocery shopping tonight. I dislike it when my sister makes me go and then she makes me hurry, when I am sidetracked by "buy 5 for $6" signs. I dont think I would eat that much bran anyways. Though possibly the woman to my left might. She sniffs sometimes, probably not regular.

Ha ha some people who read my blog wonder if I am still learning English, or it is a second language because it can be quite stunted. I wasnt offended I believe.
This week looks quite simple but I am sure those are the weeks that turn out not so simple!
My first Halloween ever this Friday night with people from work. Some photos might even get put up!

Until then... Do not wear a black mask and red tie while holding alcoholic ginger beer. It gets you no-where.

Constructive

So things seem to go upside down and then become a lot more constructive. Then they go back to being that upside down thing again.

About a month since my last blog.. surely not!! I totally lose track of time and forget this exists. Mainly cause I have a fear of writing and something good not coming out. Or laziness.. Or forgetfulness but this has already been mentioned.

So.. update.

Work: Going fine, been there 6 weeks now. I get along with pretty much everyone and some of them are brilliant. Even. We shall see how I go with my chat once my trial is finished in begining of November but all should be fine. Some of the producers have even offered to show me what they know etc.

Feelings: Well, hey does anyone really care? We all got them.. I miss Neal quite often. I freak out and panic, wondering what the hell am I doing? I had an amazing guy, who shared himself with me. The safety and security and the love I had. Now its me and some unreliable thing called me. Though I am reminded by friends/Neal that this is for the best right now.

I read this book called "The Shack" by William Young. About a man's experience with God one weekend. It was really quite challenging. My past seems to be more up front and not as bitter, with the knowledge that if there is a God, he isnt one to throw lightning at me, but one to give me a hand.

I had lunch with an old friend today, who asked me why dont I write more, or why dont I do the things I love more? My answer: Because so many people already do this, too much competition. Well I got told off instantly for that answer. He is an opera singer, and said, "Lloyd other people sing, yet I do it. Dont make this about other people". Shut down! Pretty bloody true.

So here I am writing blogs again, that I have NO idea if anyone reads apart from a few nice friends who comment sometimes. Well hey, the purpose like I have said before is anything but to have a massive following, but for me to get into habits of writing.

Oh fun story. .well not heaps fun. I was trying to find some gum in my pocket, tripped on the entrance to a car rental place, and slashed my foot open cause my thong (flip flop, not the underwear) fell off at the same time. So I got an injured foot. I wont post an image cause this is not the type of blog to explore such species as that.

I am boring, I dont have much to put up photo wise. So lets... all... see...... a music video I made with my best buddy Heather a few months ago.

Bill... board.

Ok, so I must begin this post with a rediculous billboard that I see every evening on the platform on the way home from work. It frustrates the hell out of me. Why? Because I do not understand it, and have to face it everyday and it shouts at me, saying, yes I am quirky and this makes no sense to you. And its about JUICE! Juice!! What?? Is that meant to be a tongue? The grammar is shit and I do not even begin to understand what it is talking about. I do worry that maybe someone will see this and get it straight away. But no point in worrying about this. I snuck a photo of it, the guy next to me looked mused.

Alright, so an update, I have that out of my system.

The past week was quite standard, had work, its fitting in well to Lloyd. Also been to gym most mornings. The morning this has been decided on cause it makes me think better and more alert for the day I find. Plus it is quieter in the mornings.

I am feeling good most days, a bit excited to the road ahead. Any direction I can go, and its all to sort through the present from the past to make the future. That was deep. I cant be bothered expanding on this. It makes me go, maybe I shouldnt have blogged today. But Dexter is on pause and I felt like at least venting the hideous billboard.

Wander or Wonder?

So, its day 5 of my new job and 4 days since Neal and I called it a day.

Quick update on my work.

Everyone is STILL friendly and I have found my feet quite well. It isnt a bad job, and will probably be happy here. I still eat my recess and lunch by myself... whether that is cause I am the new kid or cause I wont ever eat with others. There is a chance though..

On Tuesday I was walking to work and running up some stairs and accidentally ran into a guy and he fell over. I THEN realised he had a cane. He was blind. Shit. I just pushed over a blind man. Before I realised he was getting himself up and shouting in the other direction at whoever pushed him over. Ermm what do I do here. I said sorry and walked off. Felt terrible.

I been going to the gym near my work. Surry Hills area.. and yeah its quite gay. So not sure if there is any point mentioning any guys who amuse me. No wait, there is.
I was in the change rooms on Tuesday night, and this older business man kept looking at me. I ignored him, but was forced to walk past him. He moved right out of the way and gestured in the direction I was walking in, like I was the king or something. I cringed and walked past him and he patted me on the back. We were mates.

So yeah, going back to Neal. I am

It hurts.. and the normal sadness is there. Everyday I wake up, I still have those 5 seconds of normality then remember what happened. I find this breakup hard because its not like we hate each other. It was cause of other reasons relating to where I am at.. So hard to kind of comprehend. Let alone how Neal does it.

Though am feeling more positive. Got a lot of hope too.

The irony, I just realised... I have a giant poster of Superman sitting next to my desk at my work. Superman, like I am sure many men would agree, helped them realise they were gay. So really some gay men would agree not just many men in general. Now I am employed where they helped create the latest film. Living the dream... living the dream.

Loss

So, Neal and I woke up this morning, pouring rain outside. Massive contrast to the summer day we had yesterday. But it was to reflect the day to come.

We got into a discussion about how I feel always like I let Neal down. Neal disagreed but I believe I dont ever give back to him what he gives me. This has been a long standing discussion. I shut down and dont know how to express what is going on inside. I dont know why I am the way I am so often, I snap at him and get irritated with him after a while. I also feel so unblanced in general. I dont know who I am or where I am so often. And I just stared at him, unsure and lost. He held me, as I started crying, and after a while said, he would do what I couldnt do, even if he really didnt want to. Leave. So He went upstairs, and got his stuff. I stood downstairs sobbing, scared and shaking. Felt so weak at that moment. Neal went and got my headphones out of the car I had left, and came back to me, just inside from the rain and hugged me. I told him he had done so many beautiful things for me, and knew how much he cared for me. That I loved him and really want to sort out where I am at. He told me to call him if I ever work that out. He gave me a quick short kiss and said, "Goodbye Lloyd" and got back in his car and drove off. Between me and the car, the past 18 months of memories flashed before my eyes. Our overseas trip, our first date, the stupid games we used to play, the hours and hours of times where we sat in peaceful silence. I was sobbing, wondering what on earth just happened. Part of me kept saying, no this is what is best right now. I wondered inside and let out the biggest sobs and just gasps of pain. It felt so so good, I never get to cry, and I was so sad. He is amazing. I believe in him and who he is. But it broke my heart, the way I couldnt give him what he deserved. Maybe I can one day. I don't know. But I need to be single, and just work on more being me. Reuniting the old me and the new me. I know Neal will probably read this, and it upsets me to write all this, and am sure it will upset him to read all this.

I text Heather saying we were over. She was quite shocked and drove over straight away. She just sat there with me, and listened. She has always been good like that, never telling me what to do but respecting whatever I thought I needed to do. She came with Andy, Jo and I to see my neice for the final time before she flew home. I held her in my arms, she was cuddled into my chest and shoulder, looking happy and asleep. Sucking on her hand every now and then. I wonder when she will be heart broken for the first time. Such a sadistic thing to think, but I just hope she never has to have that happen.

Heather then took me to have my favourite food ever. GPK Pizza. It is amazing. My favourite being 'Saigon'. Tiger Prawns, corriander and cheese and honey soy sauce. Drool...

Heather then left me once we got back home cause I wanted alone time. And have had that since. Apart from dinner where my brother asked me to come eat with them. He disguised his snot amongst a chicken wing and asked me if the chicken skin looked like snot. I shrugged and ate the chicken. I almost threw up when I found out.

So here I am... Alone and scared. But my friend H has told me to keep following the star. I might just do that. Second day at the job tomorrow. Lets see how this goes.

First Day and Models

So Friday morning.

I got the train in and the guy opposite me was eating egg salad with apple and creamy mayonaise, time was 7:30am. Got off the train and I timed how long it took to walk from Central to my new work. Course I got there early, so sat in the park right nearby and read for a while.
The time came and I walked up the stairs, looking at them going, "I wonder if you and I will become best friends, being so close and seeing each other everyday." Yeah I admit this.

Said hello to the girl who is leaving that day, who's job I would be taking over and sat down with her to begin the day of intense "this is how we do this.." And yup, my mind hurt by the end of that day. Highlights of day one included:

- Standing awkwardly at evening drinks not knowing anyone and wondering who I could approach and talk to. I spoke to three germans, barely understanding their accents so nodded and said "ja". A group of girls spoke about finger puppet porn, I didnt really contribute to the conversation. But everyone is so nice, so it wasnt akward as such, just the feeling of being the new kid.

- Finding the bathroom, and then once finding it, opening the door to accidently walk in on a guy, so backed out before he noticed. I hadnt met him yet which was a tad handy.

- Being called "the new Jen" the whole day

I never said these highlights were good or bad.

So overall, good start and I wont make much of a judgement just yet.

I got home, and Neal came over to hang out. We didnt do much and crashed early.

I got up this morning to the sound of machines and hammering inside my cupboard, though really was in the floor. My brother and his mates were demolishing a wall downstairs. Good wake up call I reckon on a Saturday morning, roughly around 7am. Though I had to work on another job so was all good. Neal decided to tag along with me for the day, which was good company.

Ok, so I work casually for a company working on "Make Me A Supermodel". I have worked as a tape runner for the day a few times for the cash, its good cash. So today involved going back and forth between the post house and location. We did it about 6 times today and there was a lot of waiting around. Spoke to some of the models sometimes who were bored. They thought I was there to vote, as it was local council election day here today too. No idea who I voted for or why, but its compulsory like I said. The person with the funniest surname or haircut gets my vote.


One model who we spoke to a few times was Billy. He is my favourite, purely cause he is the hottest and a pretty nice guy. The gay model on the show said a piece to camera stating that Billy is what every gay man wants. Well, wouldnt say every gay man, but this guy is quite the goods. The goods? Cant say I have used the term before. Delete.



Billy asked me to mind his shoes for him. So I took a photo of the shoebox and my hand. Shoe bitch is me.

We also crossed the harbour bridge a hell of a lot today. The windows were down too cause..... IT WAS OUR FIRST HOT DAY TODAY!! And I spent it working, though at least a lot of it was outside.



The final part of my day was to pick up tapes from the mansion where all the models are living together in. Most reality shows do that these days. The sad thing about this situation was there was a fan base standing outside the residence calling out to the models. Once I left the house, I asked them if they were locals or not. Thank fuck they were. Not hinting it was sad that people from the other side of Sydney wouldnt stand outside the house wanting to catch a glimpse of some Australian reality TV stars. The girls attacked me with questions about the models and if I spoke to them. I said goodnight and then tripped over a bit and walked off casually.

Mum leaves tomorrow morning, as does my sister and law and my niece. It has been great seeing them all. And currently my head is feeling buggered so I will keep it there.

Score... - 11th September 2008

Started off heading to gym, different gym and without Jono. Walked into change rooms just as some guy was walking to the showers. Was given a strange look by him.. I looked at a clothes hook.

Met up with mum after. I am sounding like a mothers boy in these episodes... Then headed back home. We went via our old church, my brother is building up there. Was rather weird seeing her there, since its been 3 years since I have seen her there. Women's Bible Study was on, but Mum managed to avoid everyone, haha would have been such an exciting situation if they had seen her.

Got home and Chem called me, asking to go to the beach. I turned it down at first cause thought Mum would be a bit of a nigel (a person with no friends in Australia). But said yes after she said it was fine, she would sew. As you do!

So Chem picked me up, and we headed to Cronulla, the closest beach to us. Not the best though. We lay on the sand, and then I got the call. Lloyd, you have a job. Sweet! Chem continued to throw sand on me while I spoke on the phone about the terms etc. I start tomorrow. Sounds quite cool. We played some frisbee, and I managed to throw left handed, but then managed not to. We jumped into the freezing water, we are way too positive about the warm weather. But the main purpose was cause we needed to piss and couldnt be bothered finding toilets. Nice info hey.

A guy walked past us on the beach, we were having the debate whether he liked boys or not. Chem dared me to whistle at him, and so we both pretended to do it, but didnt realise the wind makes noise travel and he looked at us. He kept looking back.. and kept walking. Ten minutes later, he was back walking the other way along the beach. We did the whistle again hehe but he tried not to look back, and then sat 100 metres down the beach from us. We considered saying hello, just to be silly, but then realised we would have to walk back again, so no.

Mum is cooking Lasagne tonight. Our family has long been persecuted for the way we pronounce "lasagne". We say.. "Las-on-ya" Though out of protest now, I say it properly. It took a lot of effort, but I am mostly there.

We have to vote this weekend for local government, and I got no idea... My sister just asked me to go with her to the prepoll place cause she will be away on Saturday and you are fined if you dont vote. I said no, cause I didnt want to. She looked upset and left, guilt trip?

So tomorrow is Day One... I will wear jeans, a shirt and shoes. And already been informed of work drinks, so this should be interesting. Either a bunch of akward chats over champagne, or hey, great chats with great people?

Lasonya is almost ready. For now.

Have added another photo from yesterday, Mum, Nan, Poppy and I, from Mum's camera. Non blurry.