Warming

It sure is warming up now. And the sky is bluer and the trees are greener and the cat next door sleeps on the couch out the front of their house, instead of in a car exhaust pipe. (made that last bit up) Thats me on stairs looking up, by the way.

Its funny sometimes, the more I realise people actually read this, especially people I know, the more I am unsure what I can and cannot write here. Do I screen stuff, and even if it is a funny story or, one of amusement on a historical or sci fi level.. I have to not tell it, in case the person it is about reads it? And then I go, nah screw it, shouldn't people know whats really going on? Or is it not appropriate to find out on a blog post? Not like I am offering up news that I killed a donkey last Friday or sold on illegal forms of sushi mats.

So yesterday was one of those days where a gay dance party came along and I went, because we were sponsoring it. I wasnt really wanting to go, as I know I just start getting irrirated with the crowd and it all starts feeling the same. But a mate reminded me, see it as a time to see friends and just have a fun time, asif you were the only ones there. It was a good time in the end. Lots of fun dancing and just laughs. I saw a dwarf zip into a lady gaga PVC costume and a fella I fancy. That was the highlight. Along with dancing with a new good mate Matt, who is an actor moved from Britain with his partner. Such a laugh.

Have you ever had an internet friend who you have had on your list for years? And speak often and always catch up but have never met? And has that internet friend lived in the same city as you? I have one, and its been such a saga. I respect and care about him a lot, but due to circumstances, I have never met him and I dont want to push it, as I understand his situation. And no he isnt a closeted married businessman. But we have had many years of deep conversation and being quite blunt and honest with each other about each other's lives. He has gone through a lot and it is really amazing to see where he is going now. I have seen him in the low of low (not literally seen him, as mentioned) but also in some good times, and he has seen me in the same. And I truly do hope to meet him one day soon, even if simply to give him a big hug and say how proud I am.

Well this blog turned a bit intense and emotional. So how about we look out the window at that fat dog in the lesbian neighbours yard. He tries to bark but the suspended dog mat he sleeps on, bounces too much and it freaks him out, so he stops. Barking that is.

PS. I got a kindle. Just like I need to keep writing, my reading needs to improve, otherwise I talk about fat dogs and cats.

Really?

Just got home from walking from main road to my house. Birds were chirping as the sun began to rise, on an early spring Sunday morning. I walk past this house on way home that looks like a country shack, one that should be in the middle of nowhere. But really it is in the middle of a Sydney inner west suburb, but somehow they make it look like the outback. Fire on the front verandah.. rocking chair.. footy flag stapled to the wooden slats of the house and an abandoned cup of tea on an old chipped table.

I got home from a fun night.. but really if I am honest, a pretty crap night. One of those nights that had potential, but doesnt every night have that potential?

Started with watching Catherine Tate at home with Chem, then drinking and getting a train and secretly carrying coke bottles full of apple juice and vodka.. getting to gay strip and having more beers. Chem bumped into a friend of his and supposedly I look very non subtle if I am in the mood to NOT do small talk. Then we hung out with more mates til I got into the usual spiral mood at a gay bar where I detest the culture around me and people just in a sea of.. sex, and feel like I dont belong. We all left and went to get a cab.

Last minute I didnt get in the cab but went to the bar on the corner. Sat there at 3am and read the paper. A guy came and sat at my table and said hi. His name was James. I thought he said Jane so we had some awkward joke about Jane.. we got talking and he introduced me to his friends. He was really quite cute and seemed switched on and intelligent. He was a bit touchy and so I got the vibe he liked me. So I hung with him and his mates for a few hours.. sobering up as I hate hangovers on a Sunday or any day for that matter.

Spent time talking to his mate as well etc. Lovely group of guys, and noticed James had expressed interested and I was all quite surpirsed by it all. Eventually he whispered "You are really cute" and I smiled and said he was too. I went to kiss him on cheek, and he said "I cant kiss you".

"Why not?"

"I got a throat infection"

"Oh ok, that sucks"

"Yeah got it on Friday.. and it has gotten worse".

At this stage, he seemed like the kind of guy I wouldnt care if I got a sore throat from, he was pretty darn sweet. Maybe that is low of me, or desperate but I said "What if I didnt care?"

"You dont care??"

"Nope" Hoping this meant I could kiss the mysterious man.

James gestured over to the mate I was talking to before and said "My BF wont mind either"

"Sorry?" Getting slightly tense.. surely he didnt say that.

"My BF wont mind either"

So at that intant I felt like a loser. Once again I was persuing a guy that was not available. I looked him in the eye and said "I am off mate." And I walked out of the cab.

I told the cab where to drive to and stared out the window as the sky turned from black to deep blue.. and before I knew it I was near my home. I chose to get out ealier so I could just walk and reflect. Which is what I have now done. Lloyd, deep breaths, its just a phase in life, will read this one day and go.. ah that day. Just like you will for times in your life.

What would you do..

So Melbourne was a great time. It felt like I was back in Sydney before I realised I was in Melbourne though. Pretty short trip! Though got a chance to catch up with my Uncle Phil, who is only 12 years older than me, so he is more like a big brother/cousin. He is going through a bit of a rough time, so we just had a few or a lot of beers and chatted. Above picture, spot me and my uncle on screen :)

Also saw Neal, and caught up with him. Was his birthday and so went to dinner and then spontaneously saw Mary Poppins, the musical. That was pretty alright. Oh, also bought some jeans.

This week has been quite flatout, as my boss was on The Secret Millionaire on Monday night, so there was a lot of emails and feedback for the rest of the week. People asking for help but mostly just people thanking him for such a heart felt episode.

I got a text on Tuesday from Neal asking me if I would meet up on Friday with him and his new partner and have drinks with them as they would be in town. For me, hanging with Neal (who is my ex if you are not aware), is fine. Though I am sure people would agree that hanging with your ex and his new partner.. is slightly odd. What would Lloyd do here?

Well I ended up going. Somehow it wasnt too bad at all. Seeing Neal with his new fella, actually was like the last piece of closure. To see him happy and caring about this guy, and they were both kinda goofy and sweet together. So yeah was actually good for me. Crazy huh!

I am concluding there is always a catch with people. There is never a simple concept out there. I have a few perfect examples recently. Of the hot/cold variety and the "I am not over my ex" variety. At the end of the day, they are to blame but not, for their confusion. When you get to know a guy, you start seeing the cracks.. and the peices that just dont make sense. One fella Andy, was over the top mushy and then the next moment, distant and fidgety. Then got annoyed when we were acting like a couple and didnt want a relationship. Relationships dont just happen overnight and it was never what I was suggesting. (Just ignore this paragraph, its just a vent). Next fella, was honest and said from pretty much day one that he wasnt over his ex. I shrugged this off simply cause I was getting to know him. Nah, if someone says that, leave then and there. Otherwise you are in for another confusing rollercoaster. Distance, past hurt, religious hangups... the list goes on. What hangup to I have? I have to have more than one at least, cause hey, saying all others have them and I dont.. is a tad hypocritical.

Maybe mine is blaming the past as an issue, when I really just hide it amongst a real reason of not wanting to commit. But.. we all do that sometimes. I would commit if it was the right person.

The cat next door meets me at the top of the street and walks down the road a bit with me, then rolls on his/her back (havent decided if its name is Pam or Robert yet) and requests I pat its belly. So I do, then keep walking, it runs down a bit futher, sets itself up again waiting for me to catch up and belly rub time again. Somehow it has convinced me cats arent too bad.

Spring is here. And Jasmine flowers on a fence, walking through an alleyway near home really sums it up, with bright blue sky in the background.

Fittings

So a new procedure at work, which is extremely useful for everyone, is to have multiple fittings and having a body model stand in the current stage of a garment (a pair of undies for example) and the pattern maker and the designer look at it and see where it is good and bad, and also ask the body model how they feel etc. I volunteered to be the body model when they need me, cause I think this is crucial. The old system was someone trying on the garment then relaying to the pattern maker what needs to change.

So the other day, was doing a fitting for them. It is a pretty crucial product as it will be a core product that a lot of people will buy. So we need to get it right. Though when the next time came around for a fitting, I wasnt asked, but said they were going to get a few of the other guys to try it on. And without directly saying it, which they sort of did.. was that they need someone to fill out the front a bit more. Ouch? Now, I have never had an issue with size until that moment. I dont anymore once again, but for that hour of my life I thought... wow, it mattered.

But then the next day I was back fitting again. Makes total sense..

Week three of my fitness program. 9 more to go... and I am not losing motivation. When does this begin to happen.. week 4? Lets see how I go hey.

Off to Melbourne this weekend. Decided it was time for another getaway. Time to just stroll around and take photos of stuff and have some chill out time. Sean will be back next week and it will be ALL SYSTEMS GO!! So may need a tad bit of a breather before that happens. Will be good to see some of my friends down there, though even though it is the first day of Spring today (slight woohoo, just slight) I hear Melbourne wont be reflecting this woohoo with me, but its meant to be pouring and cold. Though Melbourne doesnt need to be sunny to appreciate I think. It is more about what is happening that the sun, though it is the other way around in Sydney.


Off to an AFL match on Sunday. Sydney!!!

Ben the Dog

My mum told me the other week that since she was moving in with her new partner, she couldnt keep her dog anymore. This was the puppy golden retriever that she bought three months ago. She argued that it breaks her heart to have to get rid of him, but there was no yard in her partner's place and she had to move in with her cause life is too short. I see her point but.. it just simply isnt justified to do, when a puppy is just not for that reason, a three month window. So Ben is off to a farm down the south coast to live with three other golden retrievers. If I had my own yard, I would have taken him. Was nice meeting you Ben.

So why do people have such cool or qwerky facebook profile pictures.. like kissing a washing machine poweder box man or reflection of a reflection of yourself? Hm I have had the same one for like 6 months.

Nah I am going back to the Mum thing. I think I worked out why I find it so upsetting. Ben is like a representation of us kids in the past. Though I expressed this to her and she didnt get it and so that was the end of that chat.

Went out to Polly's last night. It is an old school disco thing and had some of my closest friends there. So much fun, to just be with friends and have a dance and not care at all.

I was walking in the gym the other day and just done a leg workout. The workout plan told me to go on the step machine next, and it was upstairs to the mezzanine level that looked out over the rest of the gym. I went up the first few stairs and my legs casually gave out on me, and i fell onto the metal stairs with a bang. So naturally I did the casual get up and pretended it never happened. iPod in and just casually walked to the stair climber. I was a little hesitant, because this is the machine I had only ever seen housewives use, and I didnt have the tights they wear. The other hesitation was that simple fact that I struggled going up real stairs, let along a fake, never-ending staircase as such. I got on, started going and then just felt ridiculous, that on top of the fact my knees buckled again and hit my chin on the controls. Casually I got off and walked down the stairs and out of the gym.

Glasses

I wear my glasses so inconsistently that whenever I do, I get people all day commenting on how I look in glasses. Its like it is the first time everytime. And every time, the same chick at works says I look stupid and the same guy says I look like a famous person I have never heard of, each time I still have never heard of them. Though I think I am finding I see better with them and then take em off and dont realise.

Now arent you glad you read that above paragraph. Made your day hey.

This week is gonna be different.. on loop.

Ever had the Sunday where you go, right, clean my room. A new start. If I have a fresh and clean room and house and go to bed early, this week is gonna be different. The last day I am gonna eat crap food, and gonna set my alarm for 5:45 so I can get up for a run and be all ready for the week. This week will be where I will work out more what I want to do with my life, exercise, overall improve myself. Floss. Take the rubbish out for even my flatmates, they will think I rock. Finish the night with a feel good show, that I personally relate to and so I feel like I have more identity and then get to bed.

Sort of that kind of Sunday. Hello Sunday, I believe we have done this before.

Spent the afternoon down in the Shire, overlooking the ocean at a mate's house, where we all had a nice roast lunch. Felt like such a proper Sunday. The smell reminded me of those Sunday arvos (afternoons) when Mum was cooking a roast and I was planning on going back up to see Jenna and Lauren and plan some kind of puppet show or other play or performance. Its funny how kids are like that. We want to be so creative.. then so many of us shut it down.

Wow I reckon if people analysed my blogs sometimes, its like I am hung up in the past a lot. I go back to childhood a lot, or what WAS. We all do that I suppose. I will keep telling myself that. Or is this just a space to be able to let out what I think often anyways. Yep.

Robyn

So, unsure if I have ever really talked about the artist known as Robyn before, but I shall now.

I cant sum up why I like her so much. She is a bit rough I guess, not pure pop and she is also not massive in Australia, so the anti popular thing in me makes her more attractive. Though worried that if she gets more popular, whether her talent will overcome the desire to not like her anymore. She has some beautiful songs and some trashy fun songs. She is raw and sings with that sense of "I dont care". I can lay on my bed and listen to the ferocity in her voice and also dance up a storm by myself in my undies to her.

Though its also the memories behind it. When it comes to music, its what you think about when you hear the music no? I think of simple life a few years ago from Robyn's old album. With Neal and pumping it up in the car driving across freeways on a road trip. Trying to catch an egg in a frying pan and it going everywhere cooking, while she played in the background in the lounge room. Paused smiles and dance chords in London.

Robyn - Hang With Me official video from Robyn on Vimeo.

Knock back is a knock forward.. yeah?

You know, after a few bad dating experiences of late, have realised that a a knock back can really be a step forward. A friend only told me today that when he was seeing a guy who was not that fussed about dating my friend, realised that why convince someone that you are date worthy? Shouldnt it just come naturally? Sure it is different in other circumstances but usually, it should be someone who desires you. So it can actually be a positive lesson. But then it all becomes a bit preachy maybe and so should just stop there. Scooby Doo wouldnt go on about it, simply say his catch phrase and life rocks. And maybe just catch a fake ghost every weekend, were there ever any REAL ghosts on that show? Ripped off...

Why do we get given photo frames for presents? We only have so much shelf space. And the ones we do have in frames are so old and any new photos stay on our hard drive or tagged on facebook.

Monday meant the photoshoot for the new model. Also meant we were standing on a beach in the north of Sydney city and my boss thought the model needed more tan. So left it up to me to deal with. Thoughts ran through my head of how do I apply fake tan to a new model, with no applicator, and no towels or gloves and also no spare garments to avoid fake tan getting on actual gaments we were shooting. SO I asked him to pull his swimwear slightly tighter and I had to simply apply fake tan to my hands and rub it in. Awkward. Mainly cause I had two video camera filming me (thanks guys) and Sean sitting in his car, grinning at how amusing this was. The poor fella, thankfully found the whole thing amusing, as its not everyday some random guy rubs you up in fake tan. So in the end, not too bad the experience. We also had chicken rolls.

Still kinda hoping Tigh contacts me. It just feels odd to have it all so.. left like this. Just concerned for him..

I always wondered as a kid why you were told not to touch the sides of a tent in the morning. Was the dew going to burn through and make holes...? I just didnt want a goanna getting in, so was totally cool with not touching the sides. A goanna is a large lizard in Australia and one really freaked me out once cause it was walking towards me really slowly when I was about 9. I threw a stick at it to just amuse myself, and this did not deter it but simply made it bolt towards me. I turned and ran, straight into a tree branch, while it kept running towards me, straight past me and into my tent. The purpose of this, was... what Lizard? What? I ask this to this day.

Pretty sure this is the goanna that chased me. Google images found it, still alive I see.