Hipstamatic

I have a dislike for hipstamatic photos. Those photos that people place on facebook and twitter, that have a filter on them and usually of something pointless or non exciting, with or without the filter. I wanted to vent this, and then I can move on. Until I see another feed on my facebook wall of a random sign or quirky lunch that has a blue filter on it. Deep.

Marissa and I drove up to a place called Kallista today. It was beautiful. Good company, good music playing, and beautiful views. Though the auxiliary cord in Marissa's car has to be jammed into the glove box so the music plays through both speakers. It makes it more novel. We made a few wrong turns but that just meant we got there faster, as google maps I think deliberately chooses the slower route, to act superior. That or it was a massive fluke.

We entered the cute little tea house with trees surrounding it. We ordered bowls of hot drink and sat there and talked. Marissa sketched and we talked about writing. And arts and magazines. Oh I have to stop there cause this is sounding like some sort of... organic and peace loving world. It was but dont worry we went back to Melbourne after and found some maccas cup in the gutter and a grumpy man impatient at the traffic lights.

I have been quite cultured this last week. I went to a musical called "Next to Normal" and apart from the bad American accents, it wasnt half bad. So maybe a bit more than half cause of the bad American accents. I also went to see the opening of the Melbourne International Jazz Festival. I dont know why I was there, as I hate Jazz. But it was with my friend Damian and his friend Emma who has become my friend along with another lovely lady Kirsten, so wanted to come.

I asked Emma in a whisper, "Do you like Jazz?" "Yes, do you?"
"No."
"What are you doing here?"
"I dont know"

Though it was actually quite good. Some guy ruined "Moon River" for me though. Eddie Perfect I think his name was. Shudder. It reminds me of falling asleep to Breakfast at Tiffany's on my first night in Singapore with Neal and my Bro and his wife. Makes me feel safe and chilled..

Loop

So I am sure you all find, that the loop occurs in your life. Sometimes it is often, sometimes it doesnt pop up as much. For some, it never happens but they are lying to themselves. The loop, when you find yourself doing the same thing over and over. Whether it is laziness, staleness or just nothing you can actually change to stop it. For me right now, it is laziness.

Even now, while I write this, my mouse pointer hovers over a tab to read another webpage, anything but face my own structure of thinking, to actually push my cogs in my head to come up with constructive sentences. But then, it isnt that dramatic. I am not struggling in some depressive state, I am having a lot of fun. But I am hard on myself, especially when I move cities and I expect a certain something, and I fall into the lazy routine. When is my photography course? Oh I cant afford it. Really? Yes. Nah I think I can, I just have had the same fear as a kid, where I would be going into a room with strangers and not having any safety net. Noone I knew to talk to but just feel the initial uncomfortable feeling of being alone there. When really, they would all be on the same page, keen to learn like I am. Get some balls Lloyd. No, not that kind. Hey at least I have seen every episode of Dr Who from the new season. That will challenge my life...

I was walking through my exhibition the other day, and I saw a little girl, about three years old. She was kneeling down looking at the golden coffin of Tut's Great Grandmother and had her mother standing next to her(I am assuming, she could have been her cousin, surrogate mother or preschool teacher). I overheard her say with a deadpan face, "If my Daddy was in there, he would be dead and I would never see him again." I kept walking but that sentence stuck with me, whether she is just grasping the concept of death, or she really dislikes her Dad today.

What has happened since my birthday? I have attempted running a few times again, went to the grocery shop four times, paid for a tram trip 5 times, learnt to cook Chinese food, saw 'Love Never Dies' (the kid in that really needs to go back to school), read a few chapters of London: The Novel, planned a trip to Sydney, check my letterbox twice a day for my birthday present from my family, feed poison to the snails in the letterbox, bought a bar table and danced to Beirut 4.5 times. In my bedroom and slightly in my kitchen. Here is one of their tracks 'Scenic World', I will let you watch it twice:




I walked up the Shrine of Rememberence the other day when a mate of mine Dave came to visit from Sydney. Loved the view. I hated the blood my shin produced walking up there.

Taxation

So I just completed my tax return once again. Its that time of year for Australians and the wonderful online etax system is great. There is a lot of clicking "no" involved throughout the questionaire and some of them are fantastic questions accountants simply and purely.. adore. And to me, they sound like the questions I would be asked while preparing for takeoff to the moon. Same difference really. Actually there is a lot of differences between tax and trips to the moon.

My Dad made the effort the other day to come to my house for dinner. He was an hour late but that didnt matter, was still for him to attempt to find my house in the laneways of the inner west. He parked 1KM from my house and then walked and got lost. No attempt to call me either. He got here and I impressed him with some sort of jarred curry (jarred as in, came from a jar, not.. a way of spattering or keeping over a-jar a piece of chicken). Ended in a cup of tea and hearing about how his new house is coming along that is being built. He also asked me if I wanted to go on the Cradle Mountain walk again. This is in Tasmania, and I was dragged along on it when I was 14 years old and it takes 6 days. Its a beautiful walk and maybe when I was 14 I didnt appreciate it AS much but I still have memories of the rarity of what I was doing compared to most 14 year olds at my school. So whether I go on it again with my Dad and my brother possibly. Could be another life experience, we all keep getting older and stuff.

Dont accidentally let your shopping trolley go down the ramp to the shops, as it may hit an old lady who then explains she just had a hip replacement.

What extracurricular activity should I do? I seem to distract myself with mundane and time wasting things like the internet and TV shows that arent out in Australia yet when I could be.. doing Tai Kwon Do or... Salsa dancing. Or do I get told I should be doing stuff like that. I would probably take up some sort of dance class or something physical, so I can have a variety of things keeping me fit along with forcing myself to be social with people I dont know from the beginning. Which is always good. Its easy to just get home everyday and dump keys, wallet and phone on the shelf, sit down at the laptop and then notice oh wow 4 hours have passed and what did I do..

I have a photo on my desk of mum, dad, my two older brothers and myself. Mum is pregnant with my sister.

Wowzers. Someone working as a script writer on Inspector Gadget surely has to be penned for making up that word. Or he/she overheard it in an elevator one time.

Right, off to a house party now. My friend challenged me to go, cause its his friend's party and I wont know anyone and so its another throw in the deep end moment and see how well I swim. I need these situations.

Sick and Unemployed

It is amazing how quickly things change. No matter what happens in my life, I still am a little surprised. I guess that is a good thing, since then life isnt so dull, nor too exciting.

So I got laid off from the job of production coordinating the new show. They couldn't afford to keep me on while they wait for the go ahead. I completely understand yet, it sucks for obvious financial reasons as well as morale in general.

That word morale.. .it is drilled in my head to make me think of Year 12 Modern History, and the morale of the troops in WW1 and back at home in Australia, the general public's morale. Geesh, good times..

I also am a tad sick, spending my days in bed under my duvet, watching useless DVDs. I think you end up watching the junk that you should never watch, when you are sick, but hey the external is reflecting the internal, sickness.

To sum it up, things are pretty rough right now. I am confused in general, where I want to head, who I want to share life with, who I want to be, and to be honest with myself at all times, and with others.

A lot of my past continues to bubble to the surface and it causes me a lot of distress. Family, Sexuality and Religion. The three walls that surround me so often, make me feel uneasy and there is no pillow to rest my head. I want to tackle this, so I can find peace, and work towards the passions inside, that die to come out.

I was walking past a car park on the way home from work one day, and saw this scene of computers all piled up. I took a photo because it intrigued me. The chaos and mess, that once held so much information and order. Now all ready to be thrown out. I loved the analogy, yet I guess I will admit it reminded me of how I felt. That sounds depressing, but in some way, the image fascinated me, so it cant be all negative.

And so we begin... DAY ONE

Ok, so lets see how this goes.

I want to just talk about what I have done or talked about with people.

So Neal (my boyfriend) and I, discussed what we believed in, right this very present.


Neal said he believes in family. The idea of it, and his own family in specifics. They stuff up but always come through.

I said I believed in enjoying this life. And helping others enjoy it. Thats it for me right now. But I miss God. I grew up in a strong reformed Christian background. Though the whole gay thing through everything out the window, and I have felt ever since that I had to make a choice. Gay or Christian. Though I know it is possible to reconcile them both.

I want to talk out where I am at with this, as go along in the next chapter of my life. Video blogs and pictures and words.

Lloyd.