Waiting Game - 10th September 2008

Well, I was meant to be informed today whether I had a job. It is 5pm, and no call.. The feeling of being anxious all day sucks, but it is comforted usually, knowing the anxiety will end at least during the day when you hear a yes or no. But nah its worse when there is no answer at all..
I sent them an email. Will see how that goes.

Well, the afternoon went really well in the end. Mum saw her granddaughter, My grandparents saw their GREAT granddaughter and I sat there and watched and had a ham sandwich. I did not choke though. The tension didnt really exist, so was quite well played out.

Day began with.. well my windows starting up at 1:30am with the speakers up loud, cause my pc decided to reboot on me. Got back to sleep, and then at 7am, got up, Mum and I drove my sister to the train station (a total of 1 minute) and then headed to Cronulla, as Jono had arranged to meet me at the gym. I left Mum to her own devices, whatever they were and met Jono. Intense workout, and learnt a new manouvre (spelling?) which I got excited about. This is a sad sign... No awkward gym man today either. But the guy at the counter is creepy still. Today I chose to not look him in the eye and walked straight through. He didnt appreciate that I believe.

Then left Jono, and met up with Mum. We walked along the beach road, past 5 women in black leggings jogging up and down some stairs, with their skim lattes beside their 4WD big fuck off wheeled prams, all in a line, like the babies were queuing for babycinos. They gave us odd looks. Why? Probably cause we took up their space on the stairs. What dicks we are.

Nice walk and stroll to the next beach and back, random surfers sitting and watching the massive surf. Can never understand why they can sit there for hours stairing at it.. Whether its cause they feel pressured into it, like some sort of religion, or just looking at where they would surf. I will walk past them and just hop or something.

Went to the dreaded shopping centre of the local area with mother after that. I love walking past hand cream sample people. They look at me and go, no he wont want hand cream, and ignore me. Though today, I forgot that I was with a female. A lesbian one, but they didnt need to know that, so approached her with the cream. "It is from the dead sea" "Oh ok.. .. lovely". Damn, she was hooked, even if she didnt want to be. She claimed to the man, who was obviously here on a working holiday visa, she had no money. Nah, this was relevant. I stood 10 metres away, pretending not to know her. 5 minutes later, the salesman accepted that she had no money, and she got away. She purchased some orchids, that had WAY too much water in them and spilt all over our already shit covered backseat of the car. Precious.

Arrived at the house, and Mum and I went in. It didnt seem that uncomfortable. Though Mum was sitting on the lounge and it snapped. I kind of stood there trying not to laugh, while my sister in law's mum lifted up the lounge and examined the protruding leg of the lounge, crumpled. "Ermm... lets get a brick to prop it up!" Good problem solving I say.

Got back home and we watched "Jam and Jerusalem". A BBC show about quirky women in a quirky country town. We laughed. British seem to make even the serious stuff funny.

I wont tell you what I am wearing, its boring.




Blurry, like the day.

Model Hands - 9th September 2008

The other day, I was attempting to cook a rice pudding, cause it was my way of trying to relive a 20 minute period of my life back when I was about 10, eating my great grandmother's rice pudding. I felt good about taking up the tradition of using her recipe. Unknown to the fact it was to turn out shit and even my brother confirmed this.
Anyways, in the process, I typically managed to punch my knuckle into the oven shelf, it was hot for some reason, mainly cause it was turned on, and I gave myself a nice burn over my knuckle. Conclusion, my knuckles,that are attached to my hands, can never be model hands ever again.
A few days later, and the burn isnt liking my hand. Though I still cannot be bothered buying some cream for it. Savlon? Is that the name of it, or a brand?


Went to the gym again this morning. 7:30am. I am starting to really feel like I am taking this seriously. I arrived and the creepy guy at the counter, looked at me creepily. But Jono called saying his Vespa was flat and he needs a lift to the gym. After struggling to remember where he lived.. last time I went there it was dark, I found him and took him back.

Two guys near us, mentor and apprentice, were working out. Yep. In a gym. One of them seemed to think it was his duty to stare me off. While i stood there looking awkward as usual, trying to do dumbell curls without looking like I was trying.

I tried to also balance on an excercise ball, making sure I took a masculine colour, the women there would have opposed me otherwise. Probably not but hey, makes me sound less of a dick. Though couldnt balance with one leg and hand. Basics for me still. One of the personal trainer's claim to fame there is that he is the brother of one of the Gladitors. I would want to hope I had a better claim to fame. Like, hey I am an astronaut.

Got back, and cleaning the house. Course I started with my room and stopped there. Mum is coming tonight, picking her up from the airport, she is down to see Poppy. Though am trying to time it well so that I dont have to pay for parking. Wallet is a bit empty you see. Will be great to see her though.

Will be going with her and my Nan and Pop to see Poppy tomorrow, it will be an interesting session I think. Family politics, and baby politics, who holds baby first and who gets photos first. It really all is quite unnatural and awkward I find. But Poppy, my first niece, is beautiful. My first hold and she cried. I assumed it was cause I was a homosexual, but nah it was cause she was hungry! Go figure hey! But then by the second time she was good, and I didnt feel as awkward holding her. Never really get taught really... and thanks to my sister who reminded how awkward I looked holding her, I felt even more so.

Countdown to finding out if I have this new job as coordinator ticks down... tomorrow is result day. I would do a poll, but noone would vote whether they think I would get it or not. And me doing it by myself is rather, dull/sad/sick/sad/weird.

My dog is lying in the sun, with a collar on, I put it on him. I will leave him to it.

I was going to write... but

I am too tired.

5 weeks into the job, its great and its not, all at once. But am learning heaps.

IS it true that you can be restless your whole life? If you know what you are looking for or want... why don't you ever go and get it? Well I might be too scared, its too big a risk.

Finally adjusted... for now.

So I started a new job 2 weeks ago, working on a football program (the world game type, not aussie type) and I hated it to begin with. Long hours, uneventful watching of footage and logging the "interesting stuff". I will admit I am not a fan of football (soccer) and got dragged to many many games through my life, cause of my brothers and parents love of soccer. So the irony was that I sat (at weird hours cause of edit suites being in use in the day... 2pm-11pm) watching soocer games and guys talking about soccer, when I was the one who hated it. Everyone see this irony yet..

Though now I am starting out on shoots as of Monday and even the footage viewing isnt so bad, something is wrong here!

In other news, nothing much is happening. I keep procrastinating on whether I should write more, since it really is something I want to work on, since it is my best method of communicating by far. I read a few blogs and am challenged to do the same on a more consistent basis yet forget about it within a day or so, so the consistency thing really goes out the window. And for being witty and enthralling everyday, doubt that would happen!

My birthday was almost a month ago now, my party, a great success. Most of the coolest people in my life were there, and we had a dance and a chat. Short and sweet and no throwing up involved, well not from me, and the others did, from alcohol, no other reason... And some top photos. I felt like a facebook slut, I am one yes, yet I felt like more of one, if it is possible. Though there were not enough gay cliche ones, singlets.. sweat.. happy gay faces... nipples.. buff bods. It lacked all the above, though maybe some sweat..

25 next year, bigger and better, or shall I shrug it off? Age is a weird thing, some people fear it, some people pretend not to.. and some people embrace it, until they get to their late 20's and start to fear it, and the others who feared it pretend not to. Me.... I just want to take each year for what it is, and my greatest fear is just letting the years go by and not do anything with it. Not really about the year to come, because that is always the exciting thing. Ok fuck, this is sounding really christian sounding, or a local government council rep visiting the school speech. Miss Congeniality is on, and its on the projector so cant really not notice it, I shall attend to it, even though it IS Sandra Bullock and the steak she is eating no doubtedly is tasteless...

Full stop.

Another year older and a new start

So I turned 24 2 days ago. And I had such an awesome birthday. Heather and Chem, two of my best mates hung out at Cronulla with me and then we did some art works down on the beach. Made out of paper we created the landscape around us. Was so relaxing and chilled.
Then a great dinner with my entire family except my mother of course. Was just so full of happiness and I am so coming to a point where I am so much more content with the present. I am happy.

I got a new job, 3 month contract that starts on the 19th of May. Assistant on a new football superstar show. Irony is that I am not a massive fan of Football (the round ball version). Ah well it is great pay and good experience. And they will love me ;)

Like I said in my last post, chaos and uncertainty creates so much adventure and there is always hope around the corner. Lets keep it up.

Sick and Unemployed

It is amazing how quickly things change. No matter what happens in my life, I still am a little surprised. I guess that is a good thing, since then life isnt so dull, nor too exciting.

So I got laid off from the job of production coordinating the new show. They couldn't afford to keep me on while they wait for the go ahead. I completely understand yet, it sucks for obvious financial reasons as well as morale in general.

That word morale.. .it is drilled in my head to make me think of Year 12 Modern History, and the morale of the troops in WW1 and back at home in Australia, the general public's morale. Geesh, good times..

I also am a tad sick, spending my days in bed under my duvet, watching useless DVDs. I think you end up watching the junk that you should never watch, when you are sick, but hey the external is reflecting the internal, sickness.

To sum it up, things are pretty rough right now. I am confused in general, where I want to head, who I want to share life with, who I want to be, and to be honest with myself at all times, and with others.

A lot of my past continues to bubble to the surface and it causes me a lot of distress. Family, Sexuality and Religion. The three walls that surround me so often, make me feel uneasy and there is no pillow to rest my head. I want to tackle this, so I can find peace, and work towards the passions inside, that die to come out.

I was walking past a car park on the way home from work one day, and saw this scene of computers all piled up. I took a photo because it intrigued me. The chaos and mess, that once held so much information and order. Now all ready to be thrown out. I loved the analogy, yet I guess I will admit it reminded me of how I felt. That sounds depressing, but in some way, the image fascinated me, so it cant be all negative.

Easter come and gone

So Easter... came early this year, so its buggered off the other side already. I only got one bunny this year off Lou... plus some home made ones from Neal.





Canberra was good by the way, the memorial was so worth the entire trip.





So where am I.... another slow week at work, just Denis and I. I man the house... No, not like that crap Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie... what the hell happened to that guy by the way.... google.... Ok so it seems he is alive... yet will always be just known as the voice of Simba and the middle child in Home Improvement.

So I am in a bit of a muddled headspace at the moment. I dont think I really have dealt with some past stuff. So am going to challenge myself to tackle it now. I shall try write out some of it as I progress. Yes, I even am going to talk to someone "professional"

I got a wedding tomorrow. It is the wedding of Lauren, one of my first childhood friends. It is going to be so bizarre, for so many reasons. She was like a little sister to me growing up, and yet now she is growned up and stuff. As well as the main reason of... like most of my old friends, we have grown apart ever since I came out. Three years on and its just as awkward now. So I will be watching from the outside tomorrow, in. Why do I go you ask? Cause, I always imagined the day I would go to Lauren and Jenna's weddings (Jenna is her sister) and I could stand there proud. So much has changed, yet, not my care for those two.





And close the hallmark card.





Here is Jonathon Taylor Thomas. Why? I dont know. He never was that good looking. Though its cheap and no shirt.

Another Friday, another Weekend

Slow Friday afternoon at work. And yes I am on here.

Off to Canberra, the Nation's capital tonight. Havent been there in 4 years... not since a cousins wedding. Why is it that random destinations are only ever travelled to unless it is "a cousins/friends wedding" or something of the like.

This time it is to see fireworks, cause Neal... likes fireworks, so hey, I will trudge along. Ok not trudge but happily come along too.

I hear Robyn is playing at the V festival soon, and I would maybe even sacrifice the 130 dollars to go PLUS battle the crowds that I dislike, to see her. Should I... we shall see.

Production on "the phone" has been halted for now. Wont start till late June/July it seems. Which does suck, payrise wont happen until then, therefore I cannot move out or get a car!! All this and my Dad might be moving back in soon with my stepmum, not good news.

I could make this blog topical, like, what shall we wear this winter or... is Darwin REALLY that hot? Speaking of that, Neal might be posted to Darwin soon. I got the choice then to move up there with him or stay put. Another decision to be made. I might add photos up of Canberra next week.

Lloyd. And here is a random photo of Lucas Neil, Aussie soccer player. Neal is a fan, I do like the body.

When you say you will do something.. and dont

Well yeah, I never ended up blogging my trip overseas. Though it would have been full of, we did this, we did that, this was funny, oh and he was totally weird.

Is that my excuse? Ha dunno.

Well it is now March, and back on track for another year. I ended up having 5 months off in total. Unplanned of course, but yeah its what happened. And cant really recall exactly what I ended up doing...

Now I am back working at my old job, and in a month or so, working as production coordinator for a new Foxtel series. A move up in the world, and a payrise.

Though, I am a wanderer. In 18 months I plan to move to another country and see how it goes there. I work to live, not live to work.

Mardi Gras came and went. Was such a good night, plenty of gay ness for everyone. The after party was MUCH better than last year, I actually enjoyed it. Apart from the pissing down rain and me not wearing not much during that time. Oh and the toilets. Do I need to explain..

Lets say, this year could be a year worth living.