A fragrance is cool for a while and you wear it often and then one day you realise you havent worn it in ages and then smell it and go, that smells like young memories, not todays. And based on that, it can be off putting and you pull out your new fragrance and go, yes, thats today.
Off to my niece's 2nd birthday this afternoon. Already two... and its awesome seeing her become her own little person. I am on a mission prior to find some bath toys for her. Currently she has two shampoo lids... which is poor form. Maybe it creates more creativity, those shampoo lids could be container ships and carry hundreds of ponies across the seas? Though I guess because when I had bathtime as a kid, having toys to play with was crucial. Though really I had a lot of shampoo bottles who became people of a sea town. I think it was sea town anyways... SO bath toy hunt begins soon, or should I just buy a whole set of shampoo bottles? Cheap skate uncle..
Those times when you feel you should educate yourself more led me to stumble on "10 historic facts that are false"... which was quite interesting. One being that greek statues were actually brightly painted and not actually marble looking... and the pyramids were highly polished limestone that even shone brightly at night. My work here is done, to educate myself some more and even now you, are enlightened.
Spoke to Tigh on the phone for an hour yesterday. Was quite a helpful but also a hard phone call. No idea where it will head but even in the end of the day if it helps with understanding and healing, then that isnt a bad thing.
I walk into a room, there are people having punch, a non descript woman laughs, in a non descript way. Then the music plays.
I am really liking this song (which I have worked out how to embed in my blog, thanks mice) Great lyrics, and I dont usually listen to lyrics straight off. People are either music focussed or lyrics focussed in a song. I follow the tune and beat and feel, then notice lyrics later. Can be annoying when you discover the lyrics to be declaring your love for getting down on the floor.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
100
So I was informed by some words today that this will be my 100th post. I started this over 5 years ago and to be honest, didnt think I would keep going with it after a few months. Sure I am crap and dont post for a few weeks sometimes and then there is a tumbleweed but then, hey, another post. Cut some slack is a great saying.
Those days or weeks where you feel like you are a bit of a zombie. Where you function at work but then you get home and its like time clicks fast forward and there is a time lapse of you sitting at a desk or lounge not really moving and then it stops and slows down again to getting into bed, then light goes off.
Kinda time to snap out of that one, I had my reserve of energy charged up again now.
My friend Mariana and her boyfriend Sam were walking through some markets the other day. There was an upset woman walking around and handing out flyers saying "lost cat". And no it did not have a red hat. So they took a flyer and didnt think anything of it. Then they were in another part of the suburb later that day and a man was handing out flyers saying "found cat". They put the posters together and it was the same cat. They told the lady and she rang happy to say she had the cat back. Moral of the story, dont take flyers. They just end up in the bin a few metres up from where people hand them out no?
I sent Tigh an email pretty much expressing what I was realising... Now to wait to see if he even replies.
I had an email this morning from a fella who stumbled across my blog and found it really relevant. It meant a lot as I sometimes have no clue who or if many people read this. I know a few friends to, and that means a lot in itself.
Another weekend coming, with my niece's birthday on Sunday. 2 years old. And I still remember sipping Turkish apple tea in the blue mountains with Neal when I first heard she was born. Life does sort of rock hey.
Even ugliness has beauty. Like below.
Those days or weeks where you feel like you are a bit of a zombie. Where you function at work but then you get home and its like time clicks fast forward and there is a time lapse of you sitting at a desk or lounge not really moving and then it stops and slows down again to getting into bed, then light goes off.
Kinda time to snap out of that one, I had my reserve of energy charged up again now.
My friend Mariana and her boyfriend Sam were walking through some markets the other day. There was an upset woman walking around and handing out flyers saying "lost cat". And no it did not have a red hat. So they took a flyer and didnt think anything of it. Then they were in another part of the suburb later that day and a man was handing out flyers saying "found cat". They put the posters together and it was the same cat. They told the lady and she rang happy to say she had the cat back. Moral of the story, dont take flyers. They just end up in the bin a few metres up from where people hand them out no?
I sent Tigh an email pretty much expressing what I was realising... Now to wait to see if he even replies.
I had an email this morning from a fella who stumbled across my blog and found it really relevant. It meant a lot as I sometimes have no clue who or if many people read this. I know a few friends to, and that means a lot in itself.
Another weekend coming, with my niece's birthday on Sunday. 2 years old. And I still remember sipping Turkish apple tea in the blue mountains with Neal when I first heard she was born. Life does sort of rock hey.
Even ugliness has beauty. Like below.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
And what do you do for work?
I went to a houseparty the other night, a friend of mine invited me to go as he feels, and hey I accept, that I dont go too well when it comes to all gay events. I either freak out randomly and get in a bad mood and want to leave or I go all silent AND leave. So was open to the challenge of working on my social skills. Why do I get like this, I hear you ask... well I think because I have that stupid case of not feeling like I can relate or better still, act like I cant relate.
So we turned up and it was a big wide open stylish apartment with music going and fashionable humans around the room. I think when you tell yourself inside "dont look awkward, dont look awkward" you end up smiling and walking across looking awkward and staring blankly at drinks and fumbling for a cup to make your own drink. Anyways after a few minutes I relaxed and made eye contact with people cause you know, its what you do. I was introduced to an Argentinian couple (they arent Argentinish supposedly..) and chatted to them for a while, very kind fellas. Naturally you are asked what you do as a job... sometimes I like to say something else. I am often an employee at an ice cream shop.
Before I knew it, two hours had gone and I was convinced to go to a bar for more drinks. At this stage I was tipsy so no way was I going to drive my car home and my flatmate was working nearby until 3am so accepted the fact that I would wait until then for a lift home. Bar hopping is what occurred and dancing. Then it got to 3am and knocking on my flatmate's bar's door asking for him to drive him home. Nah he was off to drinks so I followed.
This night turned into me thinking... funny how some alcohol makes you think MORE when people think it will make you distracted from hurt or drama or what is happening in life.
Found out Tigh is moving to Sydney in September and that naturally didnt go down too well in my mind... since the reason we ended was cause of distance and moving based on a relationship was too hard to handle. My thoughts are out in the jury room right now really.
My blinds are really not the most functional. Vertical blinds should be killed as their function is hindered by gravity, and crap design.
Funny how we vent on blogs about... blinds or.. dating. , when probably at the same moment someone has just been buried in a bomb blast and almost dead. But I guess life is life and in context..
Ugh light globe just blew.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Taxation
So I just completed my tax return once again. Its that time of year for Australians and the wonderful online etax system is great. There is a lot of clicking "no" involved throughout the questionaire and some of them are fantastic questions accountants simply and purely.. adore. And to me, they sound like the questions I would be asked while preparing for takeoff to the moon. Same difference really. Actually there is a lot of differences between tax and trips to the moon.
My Dad made the effort the other day to come to my house for dinner. He was an hour late but that didnt matter, was still for him to attempt to find my house in the laneways of the inner west. He parked 1KM from my house and then walked and got lost. No attempt to call me either. He got here and I impressed him with some sort of jarred curry (jarred as in, came from a jar, not.. a way of spattering or keeping over a-jar a piece of chicken). Ended in a cup of tea and hearing about how his new house is coming along that is being built. He also asked me if I wanted to go on the Cradle Mountain walk again. This is in Tasmania, and I was dragged along on it when I was 14 years old and it takes 6 days. Its a beautiful walk and maybe when I was 14 I didnt appreciate it AS much but I still have memories of the rarity of what I was doing compared to most 14 year olds at my school. So whether I go on it again with my Dad and my brother possibly. Could be another life experience, we all keep getting older and stuff.
Dont accidentally let your shopping trolley go down the ramp to the shops, as it may hit an old lady who then explains she just had a hip replacement.
What extracurricular activity should I do? I seem to distract myself with mundane and time wasting things like the internet and TV shows that arent out in Australia yet when I could be.. doing Tai Kwon Do or... Salsa dancing. Or do I get told I should be doing stuff like that. I would probably take up some sort of dance class or something physical, so I can have a variety of things keeping me fit along with forcing myself to be social with people I dont know from the beginning. Which is always good. Its easy to just get home everyday and dump keys, wallet and phone on the shelf, sit down at the laptop and then notice oh wow 4 hours have passed and what did I do..
I have a photo on my desk of mum, dad, my two older brothers and myself. Mum is pregnant with my sister.
Wowzers. Someone working as a script writer on Inspector Gadget surely has to be penned for making up that word. Or he/she overheard it in an elevator one time.
Right, off to a house party now. My friend challenged me to go, cause its his friend's party and I wont know anyone and so its another throw in the deep end moment and see how well I swim. I need these situations.
My Dad made the effort the other day to come to my house for dinner. He was an hour late but that didnt matter, was still for him to attempt to find my house in the laneways of the inner west. He parked 1KM from my house and then walked and got lost. No attempt to call me either. He got here and I impressed him with some sort of jarred curry (jarred as in, came from a jar, not.. a way of spattering or keeping over a-jar a piece of chicken). Ended in a cup of tea and hearing about how his new house is coming along that is being built. He also asked me if I wanted to go on the Cradle Mountain walk again. This is in Tasmania, and I was dragged along on it when I was 14 years old and it takes 6 days. Its a beautiful walk and maybe when I was 14 I didnt appreciate it AS much but I still have memories of the rarity of what I was doing compared to most 14 year olds at my school. So whether I go on it again with my Dad and my brother possibly. Could be another life experience, we all keep getting older and stuff.
Dont accidentally let your shopping trolley go down the ramp to the shops, as it may hit an old lady who then explains she just had a hip replacement.
What extracurricular activity should I do? I seem to distract myself with mundane and time wasting things like the internet and TV shows that arent out in Australia yet when I could be.. doing Tai Kwon Do or... Salsa dancing. Or do I get told I should be doing stuff like that. I would probably take up some sort of dance class or something physical, so I can have a variety of things keeping me fit along with forcing myself to be social with people I dont know from the beginning. Which is always good. Its easy to just get home everyday and dump keys, wallet and phone on the shelf, sit down at the laptop and then notice oh wow 4 hours have passed and what did I do..
I have a photo on my desk of mum, dad, my two older brothers and myself. Mum is pregnant with my sister.
Wowzers. Someone working as a script writer on Inspector Gadget surely has to be penned for making up that word. Or he/she overheard it in an elevator one time.
Right, off to a house party now. My friend challenged me to go, cause its his friend's party and I wont know anyone and so its another throw in the deep end moment and see how well I swim. I need these situations.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
July is pretty darn cold..
The last week has been 2 degrees at night. This is Australia, not London. OK now that I have vented that I can also justify how lame I am that I have an electric blanket. It cures the cold really. Until its time to get up at 6am and go for a run.
The hill near my house is where I go for a run. When I leave to go there its dark so the first time I run up the hill there are other dark objects there too, they are other humans and canines. Then the sun begins to rise and the shapes get lighter and they dont all seem like criminals anymore but old ladies with their foo foo dogs.
The view up the top is just simply worth seeing. Probably more from the perspective of me who grew up in Sydney and from this hill you can see every part of Sydney, even the pretty airport..
I visited my family home last weekend and finally lugged some more of my possessions back to my home. In it was my coke bottle collection which naturally everyone has and realised I have nowhere to put it let alone display... into storage it goes. Along with all my written diaries I wrote in the space of 2003-2006. It is quite haunting to read them. They are written to God as such and how I felt. There is so much guilt and apologies in there, cause of how trapped and lost I felt, I couldn't even write the word gay in there, in case someone read it, but just kept begging God to change me and for me not to give up. I am simply so thankful I was given the path to get out of that mind. Though also makes me sad thinking of hw many people are still out there feeling that. I believe God never wants people to feel this guilt and hopelessness about who they are.
Holidays.. I want to decide where to go. I could go to London again and spend some time there for two to three weeks. Or go somewhere like NYC. Though both are expensive but full of possible adventures. Or the other thought would be to just stay here and do something local.
Sometimes I still censor things on here because of the worry certain people read it and dont want to offend or hurt them. I guess that is understandable, but then there is so much going on that I cant even begin to say and it looks like all I have to say is stuff about running up hills and coke bottle collections.
I also got my piano back in the house. Play Lloyd, Play.
The hill near my house is where I go for a run. When I leave to go there its dark so the first time I run up the hill there are other dark objects there too, they are other humans and canines. Then the sun begins to rise and the shapes get lighter and they dont all seem like criminals anymore but old ladies with their foo foo dogs.
The view up the top is just simply worth seeing. Probably more from the perspective of me who grew up in Sydney and from this hill you can see every part of Sydney, even the pretty airport..
I visited my family home last weekend and finally lugged some more of my possessions back to my home. In it was my coke bottle collection which naturally everyone has and realised I have nowhere to put it let alone display... into storage it goes. Along with all my written diaries I wrote in the space of 2003-2006. It is quite haunting to read them. They are written to God as such and how I felt. There is so much guilt and apologies in there, cause of how trapped and lost I felt, I couldn't even write the word gay in there, in case someone read it, but just kept begging God to change me and for me not to give up. I am simply so thankful I was given the path to get out of that mind. Though also makes me sad thinking of hw many people are still out there feeling that. I believe God never wants people to feel this guilt and hopelessness about who they are.
Holidays.. I want to decide where to go. I could go to London again and spend some time there for two to three weeks. Or go somewhere like NYC. Though both are expensive but full of possible adventures. Or the other thought would be to just stay here and do something local.
Sometimes I still censor things on here because of the worry certain people read it and dont want to offend or hurt them. I guess that is understandable, but then there is so much going on that I cant even begin to say and it looks like all I have to say is stuff about running up hills and coke bottle collections.
I also got my piano back in the house. Play Lloyd, Play.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Rat in Trap.
I walked to my car last night in the cold. I reached my car and in the streetlight I saw that my car had a large rat on top of it, dead, inside a rat trap. I looked at it, picked up the trap and threw it onto the grass of the footpath. I then got in my car and drove away. It wasnt until later that I thought about how odd that was, that there was a rat trap with a dead rat in it.. on my car at 6pm on a Thursday night, in a residential street. I could look to it and go, hmm random prank by school kid, deliberate prank against me by a mastermind or somehow the rat dragged the trap to the car, up onto the car, laid his head down and decided that was the right time and moment to take his own life. Then I totally forgot about it then told everyone at work around the food court at lunch today and their reactions of disgust and amazement made me realise just how odd it was. The mystery.. shall never be solved.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Married by 30?
I was driving this morning and remember I I told myself at 21 that if I had to be married by 30, otherwise I would not be living life and running from it instead. What on earth was going through that 21 year old brain. OK so I still have 4 years. Do I still want to get married and would that even be possible by the time I am 30? Will marriage be legal and does it even have to be if its about making a public commitment to a partner? Oh the questions. Friday mornings I shall declare non thinking mornings I reckon.
Though in regards to concepts of partners, I think I wonder if I am slightly mental. The concept is nice but when it gets more likely and there is potential I freak out a little. Why... I think it is because walls have to go down and trust has to build up. An even balance.. Keep working on it I guess.
Spent the day in the park with my siblings, and my niece and nephew. Neice is old enough to walk around and interact with other 2 year olds and its just so interesting to observe social interactions of that age. Its instant like or dislike. It seems to go like this:
Hey come and sit in this playhouse with me and we can pull faces at the two kids through the hole or hey I dont like you and I will shrivel up my face to prove this. Then go have a chocolate shake and then off to watch the wiggles in the living room.
Is it wrong that me and Chem sat and watched people ice skating around a rink the other day just so we could watch people fall over? Nah.
Though in regards to concepts of partners, I think I wonder if I am slightly mental. The concept is nice but when it gets more likely and there is potential I freak out a little. Why... I think it is because walls have to go down and trust has to build up. An even balance.. Keep working on it I guess.
Spent the day in the park with my siblings, and my niece and nephew. Neice is old enough to walk around and interact with other 2 year olds and its just so interesting to observe social interactions of that age. Its instant like or dislike. It seems to go like this:
Hey come and sit in this playhouse with me and we can pull faces at the two kids through the hole or hey I dont like you and I will shrivel up my face to prove this. Then go have a chocolate shake and then off to watch the wiggles in the living room.
Is it wrong that me and Chem sat and watched people ice skating around a rink the other day just so we could watch people fall over? Nah.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Classic Clarks..
I bought a pair of Clark leather shoes in LA and they are nifty. Pretty daring for me cause you know, you wanna have that edginess with fashion and stuff but then you wanna feel slightly safe. Cause if you just look like a knob wearing glasses that look like you stole them from Dorris at the Nursing home (no idea why you would be at the nursing home stealing glasses) then you just miss the point. So the shoes are nice and comfy but whether I have morals against the fact they were from a thrifty shop and therefore worn already by someone else, that isnt me, and so is that health regulated wrongness? Hm nah... I am sure they washed it out with the tap.
So LA... Spread out, slightly glitzy, slightly ugly and dirty, food was gross and the people were in your face. But I found it fascinating and would go again simply to people watch. Is that a religion... to people watch? I guess you arent worshiping the people but the act of watching. So necessarly not.
Some of the highlights were being in between two cabbies who were fighting and shouting abuse at each other for about 5 minutes and still undecided if they were kidding or not. One was accused of being a monkey, twice. Another highlight was seeing our photoshoot come together and work and look amazing. Once it was in the can, I could relax.
Went to Universal studios and discovered I really hate scary themed attractions. I clung onto Kiah and Tim's back through a haunted house, but mainly cause I have a phobia of live actors jumping out at you. Maybe it linked to brothers doing a similar thing while growing up. Though was a fun day and was their busiest day of the year though we were wanky and had VIP badges and cut through all queues. Cant imagine it would be a fun day if you had to queue.
You know when people ask you how a trip was and what did you do... and you are blank. I think cause those memories and moments were just for you and no point relaying them. You will remember then when you want to and need to. Not just to fill in a conversation.
A lot of closure currently still.. with Tigh saying bye the other day, which is sad but I guess needs to happen. And a few other chapters opening up, one starting and one a bit of a preview, not talking about any specifics but just new friends and opportunities. Like for anyone. So go keep living life people.
and this writing is great.
So LA... Spread out, slightly glitzy, slightly ugly and dirty, food was gross and the people were in your face. But I found it fascinating and would go again simply to people watch. Is that a religion... to people watch? I guess you arent worshiping the people but the act of watching. So necessarly not.
Some of the highlights were being in between two cabbies who were fighting and shouting abuse at each other for about 5 minutes and still undecided if they were kidding or not. One was accused of being a monkey, twice. Another highlight was seeing our photoshoot come together and work and look amazing. Once it was in the can, I could relax.
Went to Universal studios and discovered I really hate scary themed attractions. I clung onto Kiah and Tim's back through a haunted house, but mainly cause I have a phobia of live actors jumping out at you. Maybe it linked to brothers doing a similar thing while growing up. Though was a fun day and was their busiest day of the year though we were wanky and had VIP badges and cut through all queues. Cant imagine it would be a fun day if you had to queue.
You know when people ask you how a trip was and what did you do... and you are blank. I think cause those memories and moments were just for you and no point relaying them. You will remember then when you want to and need to. Not just to fill in a conversation.
A lot of closure currently still.. with Tigh saying bye the other day, which is sad but I guess needs to happen. And a few other chapters opening up, one starting and one a bit of a preview, not talking about any specifics but just new friends and opportunities. Like for anyone. So go keep living life people.
and this writing is great.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Back from the Plastic.
Wow. So it came and went. As predicted.
Landed in LA and it was pouring. We found the shuttle bus to the Avis car hire and then convinced Nevan to drive as there was no way in hell I wanted to. This began the four days of intensity and fun and craziness that was Los Angeles and the aussieBum crew's visit. But right now I am slightly tipsy and couldnt be stuffed explaining what we did exactly, so will wait til the weekend.
Wow short post huh.
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