The runway is coming up fast

So I left my job, have had a week off and another to go. I went to Adelaide and visited friends there, had a blast, and I even almost missed my plane back to Sydney and it became a Home Alone moment, where I ran for the gate and got on just as they were doing the safety instructions.

Tigh arrived and I had an awesome time. I think about a lot of loss and confusion and uncertainty, to hang out with another human being who has so much warmth, inspiration and fun, I really saw life in a great way.

I find it so hard to summarise so many weeks into one blog. Especially when I lose motivation. Life is good. I begin running very soon, into the new industry of fashion. Somehow I got there without ever planning to. Yet it feels right and good. The runway is getting closer and I gotta be prepared to land. Runway, huh like the fashion sort, no the plane sort.

Neal and I hang out sometimes. It can be hard but it can also be good. The warmth and beautiful person he is remains and its now him and I learning to work out how we can be friends and use our connection for a different purpose. Are we just naive? Who knows?

I am booking in a creative writing course soon, it shall be super! wow It better be cause my lack of words right now is quite shit.

Tis the Season

Mardi Gra season that is. I am not going to march this year, but just watch and hope I dont get TOO pissed off with the crowds. I expect that my space is the most important to me, so assume everyone else thinks so too. Nah. Chem, Karina, Tigh and I are gonna go watch parade then somehow find a place to drink and dance. No After Party for me either, am I just way too much of an old man?

Tigh lands here in the morning. Kind of surreal really, to finally meet an online friend. We go on the tourist thing next week and see cool stuff most tourists dont see, which I pride myself in. Will give an update when it happens.

I have one more week in my job. They are trying to find a replacement. None yet, but have had 280 applications! Impressive! I wonder if they had that many when I got this job... Or they had two to choose from and because I have a double L in my name I scored the job. Probably.

I lost my phone on Wednesday. Gutted was I, not very interesting story really, but it means I now have scored a Blackberry. Tad concerned, tad excited about it. Concerned cause it is nicknamed the Crackberry, and excited cause I need a new addiction.

I was in the newspaper yesterday, about the photo exhibition my friend Iain has going at the moment, with the portrait of Neal, Heather, Chem, Karina, Louise and I. Article is about me and being gay in the shire. Surreal to see myself in it. It is such an honour to be in the exhibition and help others see that its ok to be gay, and also beginning to reconcile so much hurt in the church, because of the all rejection and misunderstanding. I see it as a massive opportunity to just be myself and say, hey its all good, its ok.

Wow this post is all about I, I and I. Oh wait its a blog, its meant to be. Supposedly the new generation is being forced into narcisism. Doesnt surprise me.

Hey a puppy! My boss looks after puppies from a shelter until they find a home. Sweet deal really when the cute puppy runs around near me all day.

Next..

Yesterday I handed in my resignation at my company. I sat down in the chair in the make-shift meeting room and sighed. My boss looks at me and goes "You are going to resign aren't you you little fucker!" In a friendly tone, she wasnt verbally abusing me. I chuckled and said, "Yeah".

She supported me and said I should take it. I gave them one month's notice, so end there on the 20th of March.

I called my new boss, to tell him when I would be starting, he encouraged me to try get a shorter time space of notice, for my own benefit but in the end decided to stick to my word. And also help them find a replacement.

The day prior to this, my contract was couriered to me at my office. I read over it at night, I informed my father I would be now working for an underwear company as the Exec. Assistant to the CEO. Surprisingly he was very cool and supportive. Even though it had nothing to do with the field I have been working in. Then I went outside and fed the dogs. Denise the chicken didnt eat her dried dog food, which I thought was very odd, so knelt down to look at her closely. She had one of her eyes shut, the poor bird is going blind. So I scattered the food beside her left side and she went to it, in this awkward kind of way. Looks like Denise is on her way out.

Never ask the feminine hygiene bin guy what the Datona car races are when he mentions them. While he is holding the used bin that he is taking away. Because he will stand there for 8 minutes and explain the amazing thing that is Datona and also look at you horrifed that you havent seen one on TV let alone gone to see them. Then shakes your hand to say goodbye, though he did take his glove off to do so, I will give him that. Noted everyone?

So, Lloyd takes a step sideways and then into another industry, fashion. He now works for Aussiebum.

180

So it has been a few weeks, once again, blah blah blah.

Heather left, exactly a week ago. This time last week I was queuing at the airport to get Oportos Chicken when I found out Heather was leaving 30 mins early so to rush to Starbucks and hang with her before she went through the gates. Chem came with me. We walked up to the tables and her family was sitting there, in this circle. No other choice but to join the circle and face her father and her siblings. Most who I havent spoken to in 3 years. I didnt make eye contact and just spoke to Heather. It felt like any other day and we made chit chat.
10 mins past and we walked to the gate. Heather said bye to her family and then goodbye to me. She turned and walked to the gate, and didnt turn around. I was proud she didnt. Once she was gone.. It was quite the anticlimax. My head told me to get upset cause my best friend wont be near me for about a year, but my emotions always take ages to catch up. Plus at same time, there was some relief. It was a big lead up to her going, so for it to finally happen was a good thing. She goes off on an adventure, and my life goes to another chapter. Wow thats all quite dramatic isnt it.

Mr Tigh comes to visit me in 3 weeks from today. Quite surreal really! Will be great to meet him in person and show him the ways of Sydney and Australia. Cause I am all skilled up on how an aussie deals with the woes and ways of this hardship town. What? Yeah dunno.

I have been offered a position at a new company, that I have been trying to work out if I will take. It is a massive opportunity and I would be very willing to dive into it. I wont specify currently, until it is all in concrete but will once it is in concrete. Sucks to get your feet in concrete though, it sets and then you would be screwed. You would get hungry and couldnt even run and get some lamb chops.

Scenery is something I am really neglecting at the moment. How simple yet intricate a scene out a window or a sunset can be. Noted. Need to look out for them more, it really can make you sing. Not like Disney song sing, well maybe that, but more you soul just agrees with the expression that is going on around you through your vision.

The bushfires down in Victoria have been unfathomable. Up to 300 lost, Aussies who saw and died in the horror of a fire storm. Australia really does band together and support each other when this kind of thing happens. We as a country just dont see these things at all and so just reach out and do anything we can, so we dont feel helpless and stare blankly at our TV screens while the media swamp us with images of burnt out houses and koalas being given water from a water bottle. We dont really know hey. But we will do what we can.

I so often feel like I expect people to notice my thoughts. To pick up on them like it was a 100 dollar note in the street. And then I get upset when they dont. Really, its quite lazy to assume or expect this, and not do what most do, and speak up. But then the fear that when you do, you wont get a response or even recognition that you spoke.
I am constantly thinking, how to better follow my gut. And combined with always trying to make sure everyone around me is happy, but most of the time, doing both does not work, it does not compute to an equals sign of happiness for the universe. Cause yeah of course my actions and life ARE the centre of the universe..

My mum sends me a text the other day saying "Jenny is leaving me". Jenny being the woman she left our family for. I really didnt know what to say or think, so I didnt say anything. Another awesome trait of mine. I have always been so under pressure growing up to say and do something in any situation, so now I am the opposite, refuse to feel pressured. So now get the situations where either someone I care about, or potentially WILL care about, says stuff and opens up, and if I am happy to listen, but then dont know how to answer their qualms, I just am silent. So therefore I am doing what I fear people will do to me. Speaking up and then having no response. Epiphony (spelling, pff yeh?) I do what I hate others doing. Should really take a note of that.

I was offered a massive opportunity today. So I have to not hesitate. I really shouldnt. The more risks you take the more you get back I reckon.

Stagger but excited

Last week involved being tied up and had permanant marker written all over me.

This week was a flat out week at work, first week of the year, but I loved it.

Something I worked out, is that I can be so hesitant about my perceptions. I notice something yet do nothing about it, cause my whole life I was told to not go with my gut feelings but to do what God wanted. So even now I am hestiant to follow through with things sometimes and it drives me up the wall. But since I can now verbalise what the hell frustates me so much, its all a continuous wham.

My toe feels a bit better but yeah think I definatley broke it cause it still hasnt gone away. No more running in thongs for me, or flip flops.

New Year was spent with Heather. We got kicked out of Huskisson pub at 10pm, and so found glowsticks lying in playground bark, heather went off to some fence and watched the water while i climbed the giant play equipment. It was fun, then we got to the car, we turned it into a bed and listened to an audio montage on the radio of the events of 2008 (some were really not worth mentioning) and then said woo happy 2009.

Craig is here from yesterday (my brother from Singapore) and its been good. Us 4 siblings just laughing and hanging out. Dad loves it too, his 4 kids under one roof for a few days.

Gym is going well, and I have seen that blind man I accidently knocked over.

I helped clean out the office's storage facility yesterday. I found these old dodgey garbage bags and put my hand into them. I felt something squishy and cold. I opened it up to the light and there was a mutilated leg with blood all over it. It was fake but a prop from the movie "the ruins" that we worked on. Bloody gave me a heart attack... it even had leg hair in the silicon leg, and it was as heavy as a leg would be, the ankle was bitten into and blood painted all over it. I was entralled and wanted to work out how to get posession of it. The 1001 different pranks I could pull.... There was also a hand and another foot. I died of laughter at all the pranks i pulled in my head anyways.

2 months till my gym goal. I sound so lame saying that, but its true. If I dont talk about it.. it isnt there. Oh wait, thats the church.

Skin.. is it ever comfortable?

So Christmas happened, and it faded into the night, but christmas lights still turn on night after night since. It is that prolonging of "its not over, its not over" when really, guys come on, it is.

But Happy New Year!!

I have been spending the past few days in an empty house, full of new smells of a new kitchen and loungeroom. It isnt my home anymore as such but hey, why not enjoy the new stuff! I love being alone in this house. It kind of fuels so many distractions for me. Debateable if that is a good thing.

Heather and I head down the coast tomorrow to go camping. Our last getaway before she moves overseas. It will be good, even though my camping gear is shithouse. I found a water tank thing, a gas stove and a rusty stand for it, and a table that has a leg missing so, will find a few rocks to maybe hold it up?

The guy on the phone when I booked it, sounded pissed off that I was even booking a camping site. That or he has some sort of insect bite and was unpleasant due to that.

Yesterday I was going downstairs to answer the door to meet my old friend Jenna when i got tangled up in my thongs (flip flops, jandals) and trod on my toe and it cracked. Today it is swollen and purple. Looks fake in a way, like i paid a cheap makeup artist.

I feel so disconnected in a way, like i am unplugging myself from the past year, and blowing out the dust and ready to plug into 2009. Its pretty standard for people to do that I guess. I know the next year will shape me a lot and I feel more comfortable in myself. I am fitter, healthier looking and more confident. Though I still trip over my own toes and break them. Irony?

The camping trip will be my time to write more and just relax and reflect. Heather got me a gift voucher for a writing course which meant to so much to me, I need to challenge myself more with that, and continue with that dream to make and inspire.

Tigh reminded me that I need to keep living for now as well. Not to strip away the future with thinking too much.

2009... come on... come on..

Merry Christmas...

Hey All

I have been terrible and slack again, just when I thought things were going well and in routine.
I am finishing up at work for the year this week, its been good and bad, but hey most jobs are! I have settled in fine, and have a review tomorrow, lets see if I get rehired!

Life wise, I am getting there. The time to be myself and be single is really helping. I am in routine, I go to the gym 4 times a week, looking and feeling better. I think more about what I want to write about (the actual writing part hasnt happened yet!). And I also read a lot more.

I have seen Neal a fair few times in the past months, it has been good, always good to see him and appreciate the person he is. Our future together though, there is no point looking at, cause I need to stay where I am at, and its doing me good. And I can see Neal learning and working a lot about himself out too. And if someone comes along for him, then cool, I would be happy for him.

My plans for overseas are still scheduled... for end of next year. Though EXACT dates are yet to be worked out, I have some debt to my Dad! That is my priority.

Our house is almost done with the kitchen installed yesterday and everything else just needs a coat of paint. Bit weird, Andrew and Jo move in on the weekend and its kind of like I dont belong there anymore. It is like it has become someone elses house now and I am the boarder upstairs. Treading on egg shells. It doesnt help when my Dad reminds me that I shouldnt hang downstairs much. Right.. thanks Dad. I feel so welcome and at home. Andy and Jo dont care and want me to treat it like my home, but yeah its still their home and still their dream. I dont want to cramp it. It leaves me feeling a bit.. restless and uncertain.

Holidays coming up and Christmas. I am more looking forward to the holidays bit. Christmas is just odd now. The little kid Lloyd inside of me would shed a tear.. but hey life changes. Maybe one day when I have my own family and partner etc it will be a cooler experience. Not the present where I have to work out when my mother and father wont be seeing each other but still have some kind of forced christmas with them both on the same day, just different meals, along with my siblings. And my father asking me to go to his side of the family's lunch cause I am "welcome to". Right... but his side of the family look at me like I died. And one of the cousins doesnt want to talk to me cause being gay is "wrong". I dont waste my time.

Heather leaves in under 2 months now. I am so happy for her and the adventure she will have. I try not to think how weird and hard it will be not to be able to hang with her anymore.. but just be able to use skype. But hey... its karma, I buggered off and left her here, now its my turn! In a way.. not the same but yeah.

So here you go, and tigh, there you go :)

Till later.

Chiro... GP and Bed

So this week has been interesting.. discovering that "whiplash", a word I have heard since I was a kid, is quite under rated.

I got to work on Monday, was doing the usual tasks I do on a usual Monday in usual Sydney, Australia. Then by about 10am.. I felt my neck was quite sore and tight, as was my back. I told a few people at work and they said "oh no, you need to see someone, cause whiplash can take a while to appear".... so what do I do? I look up "chiropractor" online and find one round the block from me. How convenient. Whether the chirpractor was what I needed, I didnt know, I was walking blind.

I arrived at the chiro, a few hours later. First thing I noticed, it took a rediculous ammount of effort to open the door. You would think.. that at a CHIROPRACTOR that the door would be easy to open. I greeted the receptionist, filled out paperwork then sat down on the lounge. Why was the lounge, facing the bin? And the giant flatscreen Tv on the wall was to the right. So everyone with sore necks and backs had to turn their necks on the lounge to see it. HM.

So I meet the chiro and walk into the room. He asks me to dress down, into a gown. Ah.. ok? He leaves and I then forgot to ask him whether he means underwear too, or not? I decide to just go the whole hog and be naked under the gown. This is not me, just a model showing he enjoys the gown. Though I think everyone looks awkward in them.
He comes back in and looks at my neck then decides to give me x-rays. So after holding a broom up in a dark x ray room, I am then allowed back to the consultation room, trying to make sure my gown doesnt open up the back.. By this time he has noticed I didnt have underwear on, but makes no comment.

He gets a massage therapist called Trent to come in, discuss with me about his weekend of concreting, while he massages my back. He is quite hot and likes boat sheds.

The chiro comes back, tells me to fall back into his arms, whatever for? Well as I discover, to crack my back when I wasnt aware this was to happen. I hate it when people crack their knuckles, so this was just, disturbing to hear that crack come from my back.

He arranges another visit with me for the following day, I pay the woman called Jo at reception then leave. I feel a tad worse after and go home from work.

The second visit the next day I changed down JUST to my underwear, after I was embarrassed to discover I didnt need to be totally naked. After another massage from another guy, not Trent, and who didnt talk, and another back crack, it was over. I decided not to go again.

So today, being Thursday, decided to sit at home and just rest my back. Whoever thought it would be this much effort for whiplash? I have heard too many horror stories about whiplash to not take it seriously right now.

And my chicken is laying again. She went through menopause and didnt lay for 2 years, and now she is again. Menopause just didnt suit her, good old Denise.

I got to chat to my good buddy Phil on skype earlier, and catch up with his news. He moved to USA a few months ago to persue the man he loved, which is beautiful and they are really happy. So that has made my day hearing about how well it is going. Plus I got to eat cocoa bombs this morning, my sister wont ever know I nicked them. Well, she will, the box is now empty.