Bill... board.

Ok, so I must begin this post with a rediculous billboard that I see every evening on the platform on the way home from work. It frustrates the hell out of me. Why? Because I do not understand it, and have to face it everyday and it shouts at me, saying, yes I am quirky and this makes no sense to you. And its about JUICE! Juice!! What?? Is that meant to be a tongue? The grammar is shit and I do not even begin to understand what it is talking about. I do worry that maybe someone will see this and get it straight away. But no point in worrying about this. I snuck a photo of it, the guy next to me looked mused.

Alright, so an update, I have that out of my system.

The past week was quite standard, had work, its fitting in well to Lloyd. Also been to gym most mornings. The morning this has been decided on cause it makes me think better and more alert for the day I find. Plus it is quieter in the mornings.

I am feeling good most days, a bit excited to the road ahead. Any direction I can go, and its all to sort through the present from the past to make the future. That was deep. I cant be bothered expanding on this. It makes me go, maybe I shouldnt have blogged today. But Dexter is on pause and I felt like at least venting the hideous billboard.

Wander or Wonder?

So, its day 5 of my new job and 4 days since Neal and I called it a day.

Quick update on my work.

Everyone is STILL friendly and I have found my feet quite well. It isnt a bad job, and will probably be happy here. I still eat my recess and lunch by myself... whether that is cause I am the new kid or cause I wont ever eat with others. There is a chance though..

On Tuesday I was walking to work and running up some stairs and accidentally ran into a guy and he fell over. I THEN realised he had a cane. He was blind. Shit. I just pushed over a blind man. Before I realised he was getting himself up and shouting in the other direction at whoever pushed him over. Ermm what do I do here. I said sorry and walked off. Felt terrible.

I been going to the gym near my work. Surry Hills area.. and yeah its quite gay. So not sure if there is any point mentioning any guys who amuse me. No wait, there is.
I was in the change rooms on Tuesday night, and this older business man kept looking at me. I ignored him, but was forced to walk past him. He moved right out of the way and gestured in the direction I was walking in, like I was the king or something. I cringed and walked past him and he patted me on the back. We were mates.

So yeah, going back to Neal. I am

It hurts.. and the normal sadness is there. Everyday I wake up, I still have those 5 seconds of normality then remember what happened. I find this breakup hard because its not like we hate each other. It was cause of other reasons relating to where I am at.. So hard to kind of comprehend. Let alone how Neal does it.

Though am feeling more positive. Got a lot of hope too.

The irony, I just realised... I have a giant poster of Superman sitting next to my desk at my work. Superman, like I am sure many men would agree, helped them realise they were gay. So really some gay men would agree not just many men in general. Now I am employed where they helped create the latest film. Living the dream... living the dream.

Loss

So, Neal and I woke up this morning, pouring rain outside. Massive contrast to the summer day we had yesterday. But it was to reflect the day to come.

We got into a discussion about how I feel always like I let Neal down. Neal disagreed but I believe I dont ever give back to him what he gives me. This has been a long standing discussion. I shut down and dont know how to express what is going on inside. I dont know why I am the way I am so often, I snap at him and get irritated with him after a while. I also feel so unblanced in general. I dont know who I am or where I am so often. And I just stared at him, unsure and lost. He held me, as I started crying, and after a while said, he would do what I couldnt do, even if he really didnt want to. Leave. So He went upstairs, and got his stuff. I stood downstairs sobbing, scared and shaking. Felt so weak at that moment. Neal went and got my headphones out of the car I had left, and came back to me, just inside from the rain and hugged me. I told him he had done so many beautiful things for me, and knew how much he cared for me. That I loved him and really want to sort out where I am at. He told me to call him if I ever work that out. He gave me a quick short kiss and said, "Goodbye Lloyd" and got back in his car and drove off. Between me and the car, the past 18 months of memories flashed before my eyes. Our overseas trip, our first date, the stupid games we used to play, the hours and hours of times where we sat in peaceful silence. I was sobbing, wondering what on earth just happened. Part of me kept saying, no this is what is best right now. I wondered inside and let out the biggest sobs and just gasps of pain. It felt so so good, I never get to cry, and I was so sad. He is amazing. I believe in him and who he is. But it broke my heart, the way I couldnt give him what he deserved. Maybe I can one day. I don't know. But I need to be single, and just work on more being me. Reuniting the old me and the new me. I know Neal will probably read this, and it upsets me to write all this, and am sure it will upset him to read all this.

I text Heather saying we were over. She was quite shocked and drove over straight away. She just sat there with me, and listened. She has always been good like that, never telling me what to do but respecting whatever I thought I needed to do. She came with Andy, Jo and I to see my neice for the final time before she flew home. I held her in my arms, she was cuddled into my chest and shoulder, looking happy and asleep. Sucking on her hand every now and then. I wonder when she will be heart broken for the first time. Such a sadistic thing to think, but I just hope she never has to have that happen.

Heather then took me to have my favourite food ever. GPK Pizza. It is amazing. My favourite being 'Saigon'. Tiger Prawns, corriander and cheese and honey soy sauce. Drool...

Heather then left me once we got back home cause I wanted alone time. And have had that since. Apart from dinner where my brother asked me to come eat with them. He disguised his snot amongst a chicken wing and asked me if the chicken skin looked like snot. I shrugged and ate the chicken. I almost threw up when I found out.

So here I am... Alone and scared. But my friend H has told me to keep following the star. I might just do that. Second day at the job tomorrow. Lets see how this goes.

First Day and Models

So Friday morning.

I got the train in and the guy opposite me was eating egg salad with apple and creamy mayonaise, time was 7:30am. Got off the train and I timed how long it took to walk from Central to my new work. Course I got there early, so sat in the park right nearby and read for a while.
The time came and I walked up the stairs, looking at them going, "I wonder if you and I will become best friends, being so close and seeing each other everyday." Yeah I admit this.

Said hello to the girl who is leaving that day, who's job I would be taking over and sat down with her to begin the day of intense "this is how we do this.." And yup, my mind hurt by the end of that day. Highlights of day one included:

- Standing awkwardly at evening drinks not knowing anyone and wondering who I could approach and talk to. I spoke to three germans, barely understanding their accents so nodded and said "ja". A group of girls spoke about finger puppet porn, I didnt really contribute to the conversation. But everyone is so nice, so it wasnt akward as such, just the feeling of being the new kid.

- Finding the bathroom, and then once finding it, opening the door to accidently walk in on a guy, so backed out before he noticed. I hadnt met him yet which was a tad handy.

- Being called "the new Jen" the whole day

I never said these highlights were good or bad.

So overall, good start and I wont make much of a judgement just yet.

I got home, and Neal came over to hang out. We didnt do much and crashed early.

I got up this morning to the sound of machines and hammering inside my cupboard, though really was in the floor. My brother and his mates were demolishing a wall downstairs. Good wake up call I reckon on a Saturday morning, roughly around 7am. Though I had to work on another job so was all good. Neal decided to tag along with me for the day, which was good company.

Ok, so I work casually for a company working on "Make Me A Supermodel". I have worked as a tape runner for the day a few times for the cash, its good cash. So today involved going back and forth between the post house and location. We did it about 6 times today and there was a lot of waiting around. Spoke to some of the models sometimes who were bored. They thought I was there to vote, as it was local council election day here today too. No idea who I voted for or why, but its compulsory like I said. The person with the funniest surname or haircut gets my vote.


One model who we spoke to a few times was Billy. He is my favourite, purely cause he is the hottest and a pretty nice guy. The gay model on the show said a piece to camera stating that Billy is what every gay man wants. Well, wouldnt say every gay man, but this guy is quite the goods. The goods? Cant say I have used the term before. Delete.



Billy asked me to mind his shoes for him. So I took a photo of the shoebox and my hand. Shoe bitch is me.

We also crossed the harbour bridge a hell of a lot today. The windows were down too cause..... IT WAS OUR FIRST HOT DAY TODAY!! And I spent it working, though at least a lot of it was outside.



The final part of my day was to pick up tapes from the mansion where all the models are living together in. Most reality shows do that these days. The sad thing about this situation was there was a fan base standing outside the residence calling out to the models. Once I left the house, I asked them if they were locals or not. Thank fuck they were. Not hinting it was sad that people from the other side of Sydney wouldnt stand outside the house wanting to catch a glimpse of some Australian reality TV stars. The girls attacked me with questions about the models and if I spoke to them. I said goodnight and then tripped over a bit and walked off casually.

Mum leaves tomorrow morning, as does my sister and law and my niece. It has been great seeing them all. And currently my head is feeling buggered so I will keep it there.

Score... - 11th September 2008

Started off heading to gym, different gym and without Jono. Walked into change rooms just as some guy was walking to the showers. Was given a strange look by him.. I looked at a clothes hook.

Met up with mum after. I am sounding like a mothers boy in these episodes... Then headed back home. We went via our old church, my brother is building up there. Was rather weird seeing her there, since its been 3 years since I have seen her there. Women's Bible Study was on, but Mum managed to avoid everyone, haha would have been such an exciting situation if they had seen her.

Got home and Chem called me, asking to go to the beach. I turned it down at first cause thought Mum would be a bit of a nigel (a person with no friends in Australia). But said yes after she said it was fine, she would sew. As you do!

So Chem picked me up, and we headed to Cronulla, the closest beach to us. Not the best though. We lay on the sand, and then I got the call. Lloyd, you have a job. Sweet! Chem continued to throw sand on me while I spoke on the phone about the terms etc. I start tomorrow. Sounds quite cool. We played some frisbee, and I managed to throw left handed, but then managed not to. We jumped into the freezing water, we are way too positive about the warm weather. But the main purpose was cause we needed to piss and couldnt be bothered finding toilets. Nice info hey.

A guy walked past us on the beach, we were having the debate whether he liked boys or not. Chem dared me to whistle at him, and so we both pretended to do it, but didnt realise the wind makes noise travel and he looked at us. He kept looking back.. and kept walking. Ten minutes later, he was back walking the other way along the beach. We did the whistle again hehe but he tried not to look back, and then sat 100 metres down the beach from us. We considered saying hello, just to be silly, but then realised we would have to walk back again, so no.

Mum is cooking Lasagne tonight. Our family has long been persecuted for the way we pronounce "lasagne". We say.. "Las-on-ya" Though out of protest now, I say it properly. It took a lot of effort, but I am mostly there.

We have to vote this weekend for local government, and I got no idea... My sister just asked me to go with her to the prepoll place cause she will be away on Saturday and you are fined if you dont vote. I said no, cause I didnt want to. She looked upset and left, guilt trip?

So tomorrow is Day One... I will wear jeans, a shirt and shoes. And already been informed of work drinks, so this should be interesting. Either a bunch of akward chats over champagne, or hey, great chats with great people?

Lasonya is almost ready. For now.

Have added another photo from yesterday, Mum, Nan, Poppy and I, from Mum's camera. Non blurry.

Waiting Game - 10th September 2008

Well, I was meant to be informed today whether I had a job. It is 5pm, and no call.. The feeling of being anxious all day sucks, but it is comforted usually, knowing the anxiety will end at least during the day when you hear a yes or no. But nah its worse when there is no answer at all..
I sent them an email. Will see how that goes.

Well, the afternoon went really well in the end. Mum saw her granddaughter, My grandparents saw their GREAT granddaughter and I sat there and watched and had a ham sandwich. I did not choke though. The tension didnt really exist, so was quite well played out.

Day began with.. well my windows starting up at 1:30am with the speakers up loud, cause my pc decided to reboot on me. Got back to sleep, and then at 7am, got up, Mum and I drove my sister to the train station (a total of 1 minute) and then headed to Cronulla, as Jono had arranged to meet me at the gym. I left Mum to her own devices, whatever they were and met Jono. Intense workout, and learnt a new manouvre (spelling?) which I got excited about. This is a sad sign... No awkward gym man today either. But the guy at the counter is creepy still. Today I chose to not look him in the eye and walked straight through. He didnt appreciate that I believe.

Then left Jono, and met up with Mum. We walked along the beach road, past 5 women in black leggings jogging up and down some stairs, with their skim lattes beside their 4WD big fuck off wheeled prams, all in a line, like the babies were queuing for babycinos. They gave us odd looks. Why? Probably cause we took up their space on the stairs. What dicks we are.

Nice walk and stroll to the next beach and back, random surfers sitting and watching the massive surf. Can never understand why they can sit there for hours stairing at it.. Whether its cause they feel pressured into it, like some sort of religion, or just looking at where they would surf. I will walk past them and just hop or something.

Went to the dreaded shopping centre of the local area with mother after that. I love walking past hand cream sample people. They look at me and go, no he wont want hand cream, and ignore me. Though today, I forgot that I was with a female. A lesbian one, but they didnt need to know that, so approached her with the cream. "It is from the dead sea" "Oh ok.. .. lovely". Damn, she was hooked, even if she didnt want to be. She claimed to the man, who was obviously here on a working holiday visa, she had no money. Nah, this was relevant. I stood 10 metres away, pretending not to know her. 5 minutes later, the salesman accepted that she had no money, and she got away. She purchased some orchids, that had WAY too much water in them and spilt all over our already shit covered backseat of the car. Precious.

Arrived at the house, and Mum and I went in. It didnt seem that uncomfortable. Though Mum was sitting on the lounge and it snapped. I kind of stood there trying not to laugh, while my sister in law's mum lifted up the lounge and examined the protruding leg of the lounge, crumpled. "Ermm... lets get a brick to prop it up!" Good problem solving I say.

Got back home and we watched "Jam and Jerusalem". A BBC show about quirky women in a quirky country town. We laughed. British seem to make even the serious stuff funny.

I wont tell you what I am wearing, its boring.




Blurry, like the day.

Model Hands - 9th September 2008

The other day, I was attempting to cook a rice pudding, cause it was my way of trying to relive a 20 minute period of my life back when I was about 10, eating my great grandmother's rice pudding. I felt good about taking up the tradition of using her recipe. Unknown to the fact it was to turn out shit and even my brother confirmed this.
Anyways, in the process, I typically managed to punch my knuckle into the oven shelf, it was hot for some reason, mainly cause it was turned on, and I gave myself a nice burn over my knuckle. Conclusion, my knuckles,that are attached to my hands, can never be model hands ever again.
A few days later, and the burn isnt liking my hand. Though I still cannot be bothered buying some cream for it. Savlon? Is that the name of it, or a brand?


Went to the gym again this morning. 7:30am. I am starting to really feel like I am taking this seriously. I arrived and the creepy guy at the counter, looked at me creepily. But Jono called saying his Vespa was flat and he needs a lift to the gym. After struggling to remember where he lived.. last time I went there it was dark, I found him and took him back.

Two guys near us, mentor and apprentice, were working out. Yep. In a gym. One of them seemed to think it was his duty to stare me off. While i stood there looking awkward as usual, trying to do dumbell curls without looking like I was trying.

I tried to also balance on an excercise ball, making sure I took a masculine colour, the women there would have opposed me otherwise. Probably not but hey, makes me sound less of a dick. Though couldnt balance with one leg and hand. Basics for me still. One of the personal trainer's claim to fame there is that he is the brother of one of the Gladitors. I would want to hope I had a better claim to fame. Like, hey I am an astronaut.

Got back, and cleaning the house. Course I started with my room and stopped there. Mum is coming tonight, picking her up from the airport, she is down to see Poppy. Though am trying to time it well so that I dont have to pay for parking. Wallet is a bit empty you see. Will be great to see her though.

Will be going with her and my Nan and Pop to see Poppy tomorrow, it will be an interesting session I think. Family politics, and baby politics, who holds baby first and who gets photos first. It really all is quite unnatural and awkward I find. But Poppy, my first niece, is beautiful. My first hold and she cried. I assumed it was cause I was a homosexual, but nah it was cause she was hungry! Go figure hey! But then by the second time she was good, and I didnt feel as awkward holding her. Never really get taught really... and thanks to my sister who reminded how awkward I looked holding her, I felt even more so.

Countdown to finding out if I have this new job as coordinator ticks down... tomorrow is result day. I would do a poll, but noone would vote whether they think I would get it or not. And me doing it by myself is rather, dull/sad/sick/sad/weird.

My dog is lying in the sun, with a collar on, I put it on him. I will leave him to it.