Warming

It sure is warming up now. And the sky is bluer and the trees are greener and the cat next door sleeps on the couch out the front of their house, instead of in a car exhaust pipe. (made that last bit up) Thats me on stairs looking up, by the way.

Its funny sometimes, the more I realise people actually read this, especially people I know, the more I am unsure what I can and cannot write here. Do I screen stuff, and even if it is a funny story or, one of amusement on a historical or sci fi level.. I have to not tell it, in case the person it is about reads it? And then I go, nah screw it, shouldn't people know whats really going on? Or is it not appropriate to find out on a blog post? Not like I am offering up news that I killed a donkey last Friday or sold on illegal forms of sushi mats.

So yesterday was one of those days where a gay dance party came along and I went, because we were sponsoring it. I wasnt really wanting to go, as I know I just start getting irrirated with the crowd and it all starts feeling the same. But a mate reminded me, see it as a time to see friends and just have a fun time, asif you were the only ones there. It was a good time in the end. Lots of fun dancing and just laughs. I saw a dwarf zip into a lady gaga PVC costume and a fella I fancy. That was the highlight. Along with dancing with a new good mate Matt, who is an actor moved from Britain with his partner. Such a laugh.

Have you ever had an internet friend who you have had on your list for years? And speak often and always catch up but have never met? And has that internet friend lived in the same city as you? I have one, and its been such a saga. I respect and care about him a lot, but due to circumstances, I have never met him and I dont want to push it, as I understand his situation. And no he isnt a closeted married businessman. But we have had many years of deep conversation and being quite blunt and honest with each other about each other's lives. He has gone through a lot and it is really amazing to see where he is going now. I have seen him in the low of low (not literally seen him, as mentioned) but also in some good times, and he has seen me in the same. And I truly do hope to meet him one day soon, even if simply to give him a big hug and say how proud I am.

Well this blog turned a bit intense and emotional. So how about we look out the window at that fat dog in the lesbian neighbours yard. He tries to bark but the suspended dog mat he sleeps on, bounces too much and it freaks him out, so he stops. Barking that is.

PS. I got a kindle. Just like I need to keep writing, my reading needs to improve, otherwise I talk about fat dogs and cats.

Really?

Just got home from walking from main road to my house. Birds were chirping as the sun began to rise, on an early spring Sunday morning. I walk past this house on way home that looks like a country shack, one that should be in the middle of nowhere. But really it is in the middle of a Sydney inner west suburb, but somehow they make it look like the outback. Fire on the front verandah.. rocking chair.. footy flag stapled to the wooden slats of the house and an abandoned cup of tea on an old chipped table.

I got home from a fun night.. but really if I am honest, a pretty crap night. One of those nights that had potential, but doesnt every night have that potential?

Started with watching Catherine Tate at home with Chem, then drinking and getting a train and secretly carrying coke bottles full of apple juice and vodka.. getting to gay strip and having more beers. Chem bumped into a friend of his and supposedly I look very non subtle if I am in the mood to NOT do small talk. Then we hung out with more mates til I got into the usual spiral mood at a gay bar where I detest the culture around me and people just in a sea of.. sex, and feel like I dont belong. We all left and went to get a cab.

Last minute I didnt get in the cab but went to the bar on the corner. Sat there at 3am and read the paper. A guy came and sat at my table and said hi. His name was James. I thought he said Jane so we had some awkward joke about Jane.. we got talking and he introduced me to his friends. He was really quite cute and seemed switched on and intelligent. He was a bit touchy and so I got the vibe he liked me. So I hung with him and his mates for a few hours.. sobering up as I hate hangovers on a Sunday or any day for that matter.

Spent time talking to his mate as well etc. Lovely group of guys, and noticed James had expressed interested and I was all quite surpirsed by it all. Eventually he whispered "You are really cute" and I smiled and said he was too. I went to kiss him on cheek, and he said "I cant kiss you".

"Why not?"

"I got a throat infection"

"Oh ok, that sucks"

"Yeah got it on Friday.. and it has gotten worse".

At this stage, he seemed like the kind of guy I wouldnt care if I got a sore throat from, he was pretty darn sweet. Maybe that is low of me, or desperate but I said "What if I didnt care?"

"You dont care??"

"Nope" Hoping this meant I could kiss the mysterious man.

James gestured over to the mate I was talking to before and said "My BF wont mind either"

"Sorry?" Getting slightly tense.. surely he didnt say that.

"My BF wont mind either"

So at that intant I felt like a loser. Once again I was persuing a guy that was not available. I looked him in the eye and said "I am off mate." And I walked out of the cab.

I told the cab where to drive to and stared out the window as the sky turned from black to deep blue.. and before I knew it I was near my home. I chose to get out ealier so I could just walk and reflect. Which is what I have now done. Lloyd, deep breaths, its just a phase in life, will read this one day and go.. ah that day. Just like you will for times in your life.

What would you do..

So Melbourne was a great time. It felt like I was back in Sydney before I realised I was in Melbourne though. Pretty short trip! Though got a chance to catch up with my Uncle Phil, who is only 12 years older than me, so he is more like a big brother/cousin. He is going through a bit of a rough time, so we just had a few or a lot of beers and chatted. Above picture, spot me and my uncle on screen :)

Also saw Neal, and caught up with him. Was his birthday and so went to dinner and then spontaneously saw Mary Poppins, the musical. That was pretty alright. Oh, also bought some jeans.

This week has been quite flatout, as my boss was on The Secret Millionaire on Monday night, so there was a lot of emails and feedback for the rest of the week. People asking for help but mostly just people thanking him for such a heart felt episode.

I got a text on Tuesday from Neal asking me if I would meet up on Friday with him and his new partner and have drinks with them as they would be in town. For me, hanging with Neal (who is my ex if you are not aware), is fine. Though I am sure people would agree that hanging with your ex and his new partner.. is slightly odd. What would Lloyd do here?

Well I ended up going. Somehow it wasnt too bad at all. Seeing Neal with his new fella, actually was like the last piece of closure. To see him happy and caring about this guy, and they were both kinda goofy and sweet together. So yeah was actually good for me. Crazy huh!

I am concluding there is always a catch with people. There is never a simple concept out there. I have a few perfect examples recently. Of the hot/cold variety and the "I am not over my ex" variety. At the end of the day, they are to blame but not, for their confusion. When you get to know a guy, you start seeing the cracks.. and the peices that just dont make sense. One fella Andy, was over the top mushy and then the next moment, distant and fidgety. Then got annoyed when we were acting like a couple and didnt want a relationship. Relationships dont just happen overnight and it was never what I was suggesting. (Just ignore this paragraph, its just a vent). Next fella, was honest and said from pretty much day one that he wasnt over his ex. I shrugged this off simply cause I was getting to know him. Nah, if someone says that, leave then and there. Otherwise you are in for another confusing rollercoaster. Distance, past hurt, religious hangups... the list goes on. What hangup to I have? I have to have more than one at least, cause hey, saying all others have them and I dont.. is a tad hypocritical.

Maybe mine is blaming the past as an issue, when I really just hide it amongst a real reason of not wanting to commit. But.. we all do that sometimes. I would commit if it was the right person.

The cat next door meets me at the top of the street and walks down the road a bit with me, then rolls on his/her back (havent decided if its name is Pam or Robert yet) and requests I pat its belly. So I do, then keep walking, it runs down a bit futher, sets itself up again waiting for me to catch up and belly rub time again. Somehow it has convinced me cats arent too bad.

Spring is here. And Jasmine flowers on a fence, walking through an alleyway near home really sums it up, with bright blue sky in the background.