Skin.. is it ever comfortable?

So Christmas happened, and it faded into the night, but christmas lights still turn on night after night since. It is that prolonging of "its not over, its not over" when really, guys come on, it is.

But Happy New Year!!

I have been spending the past few days in an empty house, full of new smells of a new kitchen and loungeroom. It isnt my home anymore as such but hey, why not enjoy the new stuff! I love being alone in this house. It kind of fuels so many distractions for me. Debateable if that is a good thing.

Heather and I head down the coast tomorrow to go camping. Our last getaway before she moves overseas. It will be good, even though my camping gear is shithouse. I found a water tank thing, a gas stove and a rusty stand for it, and a table that has a leg missing so, will find a few rocks to maybe hold it up?

The guy on the phone when I booked it, sounded pissed off that I was even booking a camping site. That or he has some sort of insect bite and was unpleasant due to that.

Yesterday I was going downstairs to answer the door to meet my old friend Jenna when i got tangled up in my thongs (flip flops, jandals) and trod on my toe and it cracked. Today it is swollen and purple. Looks fake in a way, like i paid a cheap makeup artist.

I feel so disconnected in a way, like i am unplugging myself from the past year, and blowing out the dust and ready to plug into 2009. Its pretty standard for people to do that I guess. I know the next year will shape me a lot and I feel more comfortable in myself. I am fitter, healthier looking and more confident. Though I still trip over my own toes and break them. Irony?

The camping trip will be my time to write more and just relax and reflect. Heather got me a gift voucher for a writing course which meant to so much to me, I need to challenge myself more with that, and continue with that dream to make and inspire.

Tigh reminded me that I need to keep living for now as well. Not to strip away the future with thinking too much.

2009... come on... come on..

Merry Christmas...

Hey All

I have been terrible and slack again, just when I thought things were going well and in routine.
I am finishing up at work for the year this week, its been good and bad, but hey most jobs are! I have settled in fine, and have a review tomorrow, lets see if I get rehired!

Life wise, I am getting there. The time to be myself and be single is really helping. I am in routine, I go to the gym 4 times a week, looking and feeling better. I think more about what I want to write about (the actual writing part hasnt happened yet!). And I also read a lot more.

I have seen Neal a fair few times in the past months, it has been good, always good to see him and appreciate the person he is. Our future together though, there is no point looking at, cause I need to stay where I am at, and its doing me good. And I can see Neal learning and working a lot about himself out too. And if someone comes along for him, then cool, I would be happy for him.

My plans for overseas are still scheduled... for end of next year. Though EXACT dates are yet to be worked out, I have some debt to my Dad! That is my priority.

Our house is almost done with the kitchen installed yesterday and everything else just needs a coat of paint. Bit weird, Andrew and Jo move in on the weekend and its kind of like I dont belong there anymore. It is like it has become someone elses house now and I am the boarder upstairs. Treading on egg shells. It doesnt help when my Dad reminds me that I shouldnt hang downstairs much. Right.. thanks Dad. I feel so welcome and at home. Andy and Jo dont care and want me to treat it like my home, but yeah its still their home and still their dream. I dont want to cramp it. It leaves me feeling a bit.. restless and uncertain.

Holidays coming up and Christmas. I am more looking forward to the holidays bit. Christmas is just odd now. The little kid Lloyd inside of me would shed a tear.. but hey life changes. Maybe one day when I have my own family and partner etc it will be a cooler experience. Not the present where I have to work out when my mother and father wont be seeing each other but still have some kind of forced christmas with them both on the same day, just different meals, along with my siblings. And my father asking me to go to his side of the family's lunch cause I am "welcome to". Right... but his side of the family look at me like I died. And one of the cousins doesnt want to talk to me cause being gay is "wrong". I dont waste my time.

Heather leaves in under 2 months now. I am so happy for her and the adventure she will have. I try not to think how weird and hard it will be not to be able to hang with her anymore.. but just be able to use skype. But hey... its karma, I buggered off and left her here, now its my turn! In a way.. not the same but yeah.

So here you go, and tigh, there you go :)

Till later.

Chiro... GP and Bed

So this week has been interesting.. discovering that "whiplash", a word I have heard since I was a kid, is quite under rated.

I got to work on Monday, was doing the usual tasks I do on a usual Monday in usual Sydney, Australia. Then by about 10am.. I felt my neck was quite sore and tight, as was my back. I told a few people at work and they said "oh no, you need to see someone, cause whiplash can take a while to appear".... so what do I do? I look up "chiropractor" online and find one round the block from me. How convenient. Whether the chirpractor was what I needed, I didnt know, I was walking blind.

I arrived at the chiro, a few hours later. First thing I noticed, it took a rediculous ammount of effort to open the door. You would think.. that at a CHIROPRACTOR that the door would be easy to open. I greeted the receptionist, filled out paperwork then sat down on the lounge. Why was the lounge, facing the bin? And the giant flatscreen Tv on the wall was to the right. So everyone with sore necks and backs had to turn their necks on the lounge to see it. HM.

So I meet the chiro and walk into the room. He asks me to dress down, into a gown. Ah.. ok? He leaves and I then forgot to ask him whether he means underwear too, or not? I decide to just go the whole hog and be naked under the gown. This is not me, just a model showing he enjoys the gown. Though I think everyone looks awkward in them.
He comes back in and looks at my neck then decides to give me x-rays. So after holding a broom up in a dark x ray room, I am then allowed back to the consultation room, trying to make sure my gown doesnt open up the back.. By this time he has noticed I didnt have underwear on, but makes no comment.

He gets a massage therapist called Trent to come in, discuss with me about his weekend of concreting, while he massages my back. He is quite hot and likes boat sheds.

The chiro comes back, tells me to fall back into his arms, whatever for? Well as I discover, to crack my back when I wasnt aware this was to happen. I hate it when people crack their knuckles, so this was just, disturbing to hear that crack come from my back.

He arranges another visit with me for the following day, I pay the woman called Jo at reception then leave. I feel a tad worse after and go home from work.

The second visit the next day I changed down JUST to my underwear, after I was embarrassed to discover I didnt need to be totally naked. After another massage from another guy, not Trent, and who didnt talk, and another back crack, it was over. I decided not to go again.

So today, being Thursday, decided to sit at home and just rest my back. Whoever thought it would be this much effort for whiplash? I have heard too many horror stories about whiplash to not take it seriously right now.

And my chicken is laying again. She went through menopause and didnt lay for 2 years, and now she is again. Menopause just didnt suit her, good old Denise.

I got to chat to my good buddy Phil on skype earlier, and catch up with his news. He moved to USA a few months ago to persue the man he loved, which is beautiful and they are really happy. So that has made my day hearing about how well it is going. Plus I got to eat cocoa bombs this morning, my sister wont ever know I nicked them. Well, she will, the box is now empty.

It WAS going to be a quiet Sunday..

I got some jeans on Saturday. And got accused of being a swinger with Heather at a gay bar... That was my Saturday. Always a good time though!

Sunday... Heather and I drove to Newtown to go to the Newtown Festival. It is an annual markets/live entertainment event, and its very laid back and alternative to an extent. Just a good day for all really. Heather was going to meet up with a guy that she knows, and I said I would give her time to hang with him so went off to explore by myself. Before too long, a mate of mine I hadnt met in person yet, called me up to ask what I was doing.
"Walking around markets by myself".
"Well come with me to a cat shelter to pick up a kitten to cheer up my depressed friend".
"Oh ok, sure, why not, sounds random and you know.. crazy and stuff."
So he picked me up (forty minutes later, which involved me standing on a street corner, watching women get way too excited about cheap BBQ's outside a hardware store). He was driving a BMW and had the sunroof open and some House music on. I jumped in, he seemed nice and chatty and off we went.
Sometimes I wonder why I dive into these situations.. This was to be one of them.
Within 5 minutes, I didnt like the song that was playing and asked him to skip it, he looked across at me and gave me a bit of a shocked look. This made him not look at the road, and yeah he drove up the ass the taxi in front.
An arguement with a taxi driver followed while I stood there, then walking to where parts of his BMW lay and picking them up for him. We drove off, while the cab driver stood there still shouting at him, after they exchanged their details. A little while later, turns out we are picking up his friend he is getting the kitten for. By this stage he was on the phone to his insurance company through handsfree and explaining what happened. I got a call from Heather, asking where I was, and realised I needed to get back to the festival, this was taking way too long. So I excused myself and walked up the street, beginning to notice I had whiplash.

I called my buddy Wayne, who was free to hang out, so we did this, had lunch, then lay in Hyde Park, where my other buddy Chem met up with us. The rest of the afternoon was good.


Chem dropped me home, and Neal called me to ask to hang out, I was a bit tired but decided I should see him, even though neck was quite sore by then. I arrived home just as Dad was visiting, but said hi bye to him and left. I heard off my brother later that Dad was so surprised about my social life, how I come and go, literally.

So Neal and I had some wonderful Maccas... and had a good, honest chat. Another debrief of why we ended and having more hindsite in how to respond to that. It was good, yet sad though, realising there might not be much hope for us and so looking at a future without sharing it. Well, sharing it to the point partners would. The night ended with me saying goodbye and getting out of his car, as he sped off suddenly, his numberplate "FI5H" moving away down the street and turning the corner.

Monday Morning now, my back is killing me, and so lets bring on this week.. and fast.

Change and Friday

Well as we all know, Obama got in. I watched like the rest of the world. It will be one of those moments of, where were you when you found out Obama was declared president? It seems like exciting change and I was moved when I saw a civil rights representative saying he thought he would never see this day.

I was at my computer at work.

It is another Friday. Another week, and its one more week to Christmas. Isnt that worth mentioning..

Last night I went with Neal to see Priscilla. Yes, with Neal, and yes.. to see Priscilla. This is a musical based on the movie Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Pretty much about Sydney Drag Queens travelling to Alice Springs (middle of Australia) and they sing a lot, and lots of trashy songs. Was quite entertaining and we scored the tickets for free (Thanks Andrew!!) And it was a good night all round. Though there was an incident involving cocktails and a guy giving us the wrong ones, and said they were the right ones. Wrong ones, are not right ones.

I had fish and chips today, but naturally the fish was grilled.. my stomach did approve though the effort at the gym this morning.. ok stop there I am sounding way too..

So yeah we had lunch on the grass near my work, cause it was one of the guys leaving things.. but we were sat in this big circle, and it felt all rather Christian like. And there was awkward conversation. I had finished my lunch quickly, as usual and sat there on the see-saw (noone else sat on the see-saw) and listened in. But it was that quiet sometimes that.. I didnt know how to leave, without feeling like I had to make the announcement I was leaving to get back to work. So, of course, refused to cave into social pressures, and just stood up, and left silently. When in doubt, walk away?

Dont take my advice, it might not be reccomended.

Going out tonight, and tomorrow night, and exploring markets on Sunday. Updates... maybe.

Enjoy weekends everyone.

Skeletons in the walls

I got home on Friday night, after the big fun Halloween party, and my brother had gutted all the walls downstairs. This wasnt because he was bored, but because he is renovating our house, since he has purchased half of it and moving in with his wife. I am quite the guy to get sensitive about memories etc, since this house has been my home for almost my entire life, so to see it gutted as such is quite surreal. Anyways... back to the topic, he found a rat skeleton in the wall. This seemed quite fascinating to me, cause I love symbolism and this totally represents we had rat skeletons in walls in the family home all these years.

So back to the Halloween party. Was a lot of fun! I DIDNT drink too much and DIDNT dance though. I did stumble across an amusing mask that looked more odd than scary, and had a lot of laughs. Was sad though cause a lot of the crew I wouldnt see again since they were all moving back home to different parts of the world. I left at 12, went to the train station, some guy decided to piss behind the garden I was sitting next to on the platform. He was infuriated when a guard told him off and fined him. His excellent haircut, and good dye job ranting around the platform, stumbling a tad. I reported all this to my mate Nick who was listening on the other end of the phone in Florida. Happy Halloween!

On Sunday (Saturday was not much of a highlight, apart from driving with a friend at rediculous high speeds in an Audi A6 through the national park at 1am) Anyways.. Sunday, Heather and I went for a walk along the coast in the national park near me. Was great, and we had chicken salad rolls, then fresh pineapple. Heather leaves in less than three months, and so its valuable time to do adventures, like we did on the weekened. See a pictures below. Looks a tad non Australia, but.. it is.

Halloween?

Halloween, a holiday that has been imported to other countries, successfully and unsuccessfully. As a kid, I assumed it was an odd holiday in E.T. When they put a sheet over him and made him walk around. I grew up thinking it was pure evil and one day me and some friends were singing a kids song that had the word "ghoul" and "witch" in it. I was called over by my friends Dad and told off for encouraging the younger kids to sing such a sinful song. I was 9, and quite confused as to why.

So now tonight is my first Halloween. People from work are having a big party, semi celebrating the handover of work with a major film we have been working on. So its a big piss up really, and I am going to be social and you know, have fun and stuff. Will probably end up drinking a little too much, dancing a little too much but everyone liking me for it. Funny how thats the case.

Not much planned for the weekend yet, but I am so shit at remembering stuff like that I say maybe to everything and then when the actual events come around I dont go to anything since I have either a) forgotten or b) forgotten. Though Heather and I will go on some adventure on Sunday probably!

Neal, well we have had a few more chats, it seems it is going to be too hard to be friends. Seeing him become a zombie in front of me, because he is disconnecting emotionally (totally understandable) just plain sucks. To see someone who you shared your life with for quite a while, turn into a stranger who you cant even hug anymore. So I think the Jury is out as to whether we will see or talk at the moment full stop, though there is no point putting up rules, cause there is just the temptation to break them. I respect his decisions and he respects mine, and to help each other move on we will do what is needed. So if thats not talking then ok.

I plan to start scripting next week for a music video I am doing for a mate. It should be fun, and I got so much more use out of Denise my chicken to come!!

Es Regnet....

So its raining, tomorrow its gonna be really hot, then rain again the following day. Its called October in Sydney, Australia. The place where we have no real spring weather, just hot cold hot cold until hot grasps hold and pushes cold away. The same happens in April with Autumn, though the opposite of course.

I was walking past the townhouse next door to my work and a small stuffed harp seal landed at my feet. I heard a giggle and looked up, a little girl was poking her head out the window above and grinning. She was holding what looked like a stuffed octopus (the toy kind not the.. preserved sea creature type) and with one big throw, well for a small girl, it landed down next to the harp seal. She was stoked.. Having the time of her life pretending to kill or possibly make her stuffed toys fly. It just made me smile, and reminded me of the time I would have done that.

Though my toys were a stuffed blue dog, blue elephant and blue teddy bear. They were somehow a family and I was God to them. I built them a house out of a box the new fridge came in when I was 7, and I took them everywhere and they all had their own voices. Now I feel better that this has now been recorded in the written word, cause who else gives a shit?? Ha ha.

In the same afternoon I walked down the alleyway near my work and my favourite colour was before me, in the image of a tree with brand new leaves. That colour of yellow mixed with green that suggested brand new life, soft and fresh. I took a photo and thought hey I am cool, going straight to the blog.

Today its raining, so this is deceiving if I said the photo was taken today, it was actually yesterday.

So spring is here, its raining, but hey new life maybe? Or is that cliche and way too positive.

Backwards or Forwards?

An event in time always makes us go back and forwards in different ways. Just like the small wave on the water, can rock a boat, move it a little, floating wherever.

I saw Neal last night. Always good seeing him, and knowing that energy that is there between us. Though I guess last night pushed me backwards, missing him, doubting if I made the wrong decisions, but also pushed me forward. Not wanting to seek out random hookups or guys in general. Knowing he is moving on, hurts like hell, but he needs to, he has his life and not fair him waiting around to get my life sorted. So its good to know things are changing.

But I know for me, nothing wont really fill that gap so there is no point trying. So will keep marching down the road, since either side of me has "No entry" signs.

Onto lighter things, I saw the blind man today that I knocked over, he didn't see me. Oh, I didnt even think of how that was inappropriate or deliberate. It was not meant to be funny.

Grocery shopping tonight. I dislike it when my sister makes me go and then she makes me hurry, when I am sidetracked by "buy 5 for $6" signs. I dont think I would eat that much bran anyways. Though possibly the woman to my left might. She sniffs sometimes, probably not regular.

Ha ha some people who read my blog wonder if I am still learning English, or it is a second language because it can be quite stunted. I wasnt offended I believe.
This week looks quite simple but I am sure those are the weeks that turn out not so simple!
My first Halloween ever this Friday night with people from work. Some photos might even get put up!

Until then... Do not wear a black mask and red tie while holding alcoholic ginger beer. It gets you no-where.

Constructive

So things seem to go upside down and then become a lot more constructive. Then they go back to being that upside down thing again.

About a month since my last blog.. surely not!! I totally lose track of time and forget this exists. Mainly cause I have a fear of writing and something good not coming out. Or laziness.. Or forgetfulness but this has already been mentioned.

So.. update.

Work: Going fine, been there 6 weeks now. I get along with pretty much everyone and some of them are brilliant. Even. We shall see how I go with my chat once my trial is finished in begining of November but all should be fine. Some of the producers have even offered to show me what they know etc.

Feelings: Well, hey does anyone really care? We all got them.. I miss Neal quite often. I freak out and panic, wondering what the hell am I doing? I had an amazing guy, who shared himself with me. The safety and security and the love I had. Now its me and some unreliable thing called me. Though I am reminded by friends/Neal that this is for the best right now.

I read this book called "The Shack" by William Young. About a man's experience with God one weekend. It was really quite challenging. My past seems to be more up front and not as bitter, with the knowledge that if there is a God, he isnt one to throw lightning at me, but one to give me a hand.

I had lunch with an old friend today, who asked me why dont I write more, or why dont I do the things I love more? My answer: Because so many people already do this, too much competition. Well I got told off instantly for that answer. He is an opera singer, and said, "Lloyd other people sing, yet I do it. Dont make this about other people". Shut down! Pretty bloody true.

So here I am writing blogs again, that I have NO idea if anyone reads apart from a few nice friends who comment sometimes. Well hey, the purpose like I have said before is anything but to have a massive following, but for me to get into habits of writing.

Oh fun story. .well not heaps fun. I was trying to find some gum in my pocket, tripped on the entrance to a car rental place, and slashed my foot open cause my thong (flip flop, not the underwear) fell off at the same time. So I got an injured foot. I wont post an image cause this is not the type of blog to explore such species as that.

I am boring, I dont have much to put up photo wise. So lets... all... see...... a music video I made with my best buddy Heather a few months ago.

Bill... board.

Ok, so I must begin this post with a rediculous billboard that I see every evening on the platform on the way home from work. It frustrates the hell out of me. Why? Because I do not understand it, and have to face it everyday and it shouts at me, saying, yes I am quirky and this makes no sense to you. And its about JUICE! Juice!! What?? Is that meant to be a tongue? The grammar is shit and I do not even begin to understand what it is talking about. I do worry that maybe someone will see this and get it straight away. But no point in worrying about this. I snuck a photo of it, the guy next to me looked mused.

Alright, so an update, I have that out of my system.

The past week was quite standard, had work, its fitting in well to Lloyd. Also been to gym most mornings. The morning this has been decided on cause it makes me think better and more alert for the day I find. Plus it is quieter in the mornings.

I am feeling good most days, a bit excited to the road ahead. Any direction I can go, and its all to sort through the present from the past to make the future. That was deep. I cant be bothered expanding on this. It makes me go, maybe I shouldnt have blogged today. But Dexter is on pause and I felt like at least venting the hideous billboard.

Wander or Wonder?

So, its day 5 of my new job and 4 days since Neal and I called it a day.

Quick update on my work.

Everyone is STILL friendly and I have found my feet quite well. It isnt a bad job, and will probably be happy here. I still eat my recess and lunch by myself... whether that is cause I am the new kid or cause I wont ever eat with others. There is a chance though..

On Tuesday I was walking to work and running up some stairs and accidentally ran into a guy and he fell over. I THEN realised he had a cane. He was blind. Shit. I just pushed over a blind man. Before I realised he was getting himself up and shouting in the other direction at whoever pushed him over. Ermm what do I do here. I said sorry and walked off. Felt terrible.

I been going to the gym near my work. Surry Hills area.. and yeah its quite gay. So not sure if there is any point mentioning any guys who amuse me. No wait, there is.
I was in the change rooms on Tuesday night, and this older business man kept looking at me. I ignored him, but was forced to walk past him. He moved right out of the way and gestured in the direction I was walking in, like I was the king or something. I cringed and walked past him and he patted me on the back. We were mates.

So yeah, going back to Neal. I am

It hurts.. and the normal sadness is there. Everyday I wake up, I still have those 5 seconds of normality then remember what happened. I find this breakup hard because its not like we hate each other. It was cause of other reasons relating to where I am at.. So hard to kind of comprehend. Let alone how Neal does it.

Though am feeling more positive. Got a lot of hope too.

The irony, I just realised... I have a giant poster of Superman sitting next to my desk at my work. Superman, like I am sure many men would agree, helped them realise they were gay. So really some gay men would agree not just many men in general. Now I am employed where they helped create the latest film. Living the dream... living the dream.

Loss

So, Neal and I woke up this morning, pouring rain outside. Massive contrast to the summer day we had yesterday. But it was to reflect the day to come.

We got into a discussion about how I feel always like I let Neal down. Neal disagreed but I believe I dont ever give back to him what he gives me. This has been a long standing discussion. I shut down and dont know how to express what is going on inside. I dont know why I am the way I am so often, I snap at him and get irritated with him after a while. I also feel so unblanced in general. I dont know who I am or where I am so often. And I just stared at him, unsure and lost. He held me, as I started crying, and after a while said, he would do what I couldnt do, even if he really didnt want to. Leave. So He went upstairs, and got his stuff. I stood downstairs sobbing, scared and shaking. Felt so weak at that moment. Neal went and got my headphones out of the car I had left, and came back to me, just inside from the rain and hugged me. I told him he had done so many beautiful things for me, and knew how much he cared for me. That I loved him and really want to sort out where I am at. He told me to call him if I ever work that out. He gave me a quick short kiss and said, "Goodbye Lloyd" and got back in his car and drove off. Between me and the car, the past 18 months of memories flashed before my eyes. Our overseas trip, our first date, the stupid games we used to play, the hours and hours of times where we sat in peaceful silence. I was sobbing, wondering what on earth just happened. Part of me kept saying, no this is what is best right now. I wondered inside and let out the biggest sobs and just gasps of pain. It felt so so good, I never get to cry, and I was so sad. He is amazing. I believe in him and who he is. But it broke my heart, the way I couldnt give him what he deserved. Maybe I can one day. I don't know. But I need to be single, and just work on more being me. Reuniting the old me and the new me. I know Neal will probably read this, and it upsets me to write all this, and am sure it will upset him to read all this.

I text Heather saying we were over. She was quite shocked and drove over straight away. She just sat there with me, and listened. She has always been good like that, never telling me what to do but respecting whatever I thought I needed to do. She came with Andy, Jo and I to see my neice for the final time before she flew home. I held her in my arms, she was cuddled into my chest and shoulder, looking happy and asleep. Sucking on her hand every now and then. I wonder when she will be heart broken for the first time. Such a sadistic thing to think, but I just hope she never has to have that happen.

Heather then took me to have my favourite food ever. GPK Pizza. It is amazing. My favourite being 'Saigon'. Tiger Prawns, corriander and cheese and honey soy sauce. Drool...

Heather then left me once we got back home cause I wanted alone time. And have had that since. Apart from dinner where my brother asked me to come eat with them. He disguised his snot amongst a chicken wing and asked me if the chicken skin looked like snot. I shrugged and ate the chicken. I almost threw up when I found out.

So here I am... Alone and scared. But my friend H has told me to keep following the star. I might just do that. Second day at the job tomorrow. Lets see how this goes.

First Day and Models

So Friday morning.

I got the train in and the guy opposite me was eating egg salad with apple and creamy mayonaise, time was 7:30am. Got off the train and I timed how long it took to walk from Central to my new work. Course I got there early, so sat in the park right nearby and read for a while.
The time came and I walked up the stairs, looking at them going, "I wonder if you and I will become best friends, being so close and seeing each other everyday." Yeah I admit this.

Said hello to the girl who is leaving that day, who's job I would be taking over and sat down with her to begin the day of intense "this is how we do this.." And yup, my mind hurt by the end of that day. Highlights of day one included:

- Standing awkwardly at evening drinks not knowing anyone and wondering who I could approach and talk to. I spoke to three germans, barely understanding their accents so nodded and said "ja". A group of girls spoke about finger puppet porn, I didnt really contribute to the conversation. But everyone is so nice, so it wasnt akward as such, just the feeling of being the new kid.

- Finding the bathroom, and then once finding it, opening the door to accidently walk in on a guy, so backed out before he noticed. I hadnt met him yet which was a tad handy.

- Being called "the new Jen" the whole day

I never said these highlights were good or bad.

So overall, good start and I wont make much of a judgement just yet.

I got home, and Neal came over to hang out. We didnt do much and crashed early.

I got up this morning to the sound of machines and hammering inside my cupboard, though really was in the floor. My brother and his mates were demolishing a wall downstairs. Good wake up call I reckon on a Saturday morning, roughly around 7am. Though I had to work on another job so was all good. Neal decided to tag along with me for the day, which was good company.

Ok, so I work casually for a company working on "Make Me A Supermodel". I have worked as a tape runner for the day a few times for the cash, its good cash. So today involved going back and forth between the post house and location. We did it about 6 times today and there was a lot of waiting around. Spoke to some of the models sometimes who were bored. They thought I was there to vote, as it was local council election day here today too. No idea who I voted for or why, but its compulsory like I said. The person with the funniest surname or haircut gets my vote.


One model who we spoke to a few times was Billy. He is my favourite, purely cause he is the hottest and a pretty nice guy. The gay model on the show said a piece to camera stating that Billy is what every gay man wants. Well, wouldnt say every gay man, but this guy is quite the goods. The goods? Cant say I have used the term before. Delete.



Billy asked me to mind his shoes for him. So I took a photo of the shoebox and my hand. Shoe bitch is me.

We also crossed the harbour bridge a hell of a lot today. The windows were down too cause..... IT WAS OUR FIRST HOT DAY TODAY!! And I spent it working, though at least a lot of it was outside.



The final part of my day was to pick up tapes from the mansion where all the models are living together in. Most reality shows do that these days. The sad thing about this situation was there was a fan base standing outside the residence calling out to the models. Once I left the house, I asked them if they were locals or not. Thank fuck they were. Not hinting it was sad that people from the other side of Sydney wouldnt stand outside the house wanting to catch a glimpse of some Australian reality TV stars. The girls attacked me with questions about the models and if I spoke to them. I said goodnight and then tripped over a bit and walked off casually.

Mum leaves tomorrow morning, as does my sister and law and my niece. It has been great seeing them all. And currently my head is feeling buggered so I will keep it there.

Score... - 11th September 2008

Started off heading to gym, different gym and without Jono. Walked into change rooms just as some guy was walking to the showers. Was given a strange look by him.. I looked at a clothes hook.

Met up with mum after. I am sounding like a mothers boy in these episodes... Then headed back home. We went via our old church, my brother is building up there. Was rather weird seeing her there, since its been 3 years since I have seen her there. Women's Bible Study was on, but Mum managed to avoid everyone, haha would have been such an exciting situation if they had seen her.

Got home and Chem called me, asking to go to the beach. I turned it down at first cause thought Mum would be a bit of a nigel (a person with no friends in Australia). But said yes after she said it was fine, she would sew. As you do!

So Chem picked me up, and we headed to Cronulla, the closest beach to us. Not the best though. We lay on the sand, and then I got the call. Lloyd, you have a job. Sweet! Chem continued to throw sand on me while I spoke on the phone about the terms etc. I start tomorrow. Sounds quite cool. We played some frisbee, and I managed to throw left handed, but then managed not to. We jumped into the freezing water, we are way too positive about the warm weather. But the main purpose was cause we needed to piss and couldnt be bothered finding toilets. Nice info hey.

A guy walked past us on the beach, we were having the debate whether he liked boys or not. Chem dared me to whistle at him, and so we both pretended to do it, but didnt realise the wind makes noise travel and he looked at us. He kept looking back.. and kept walking. Ten minutes later, he was back walking the other way along the beach. We did the whistle again hehe but he tried not to look back, and then sat 100 metres down the beach from us. We considered saying hello, just to be silly, but then realised we would have to walk back again, so no.

Mum is cooking Lasagne tonight. Our family has long been persecuted for the way we pronounce "lasagne". We say.. "Las-on-ya" Though out of protest now, I say it properly. It took a lot of effort, but I am mostly there.

We have to vote this weekend for local government, and I got no idea... My sister just asked me to go with her to the prepoll place cause she will be away on Saturday and you are fined if you dont vote. I said no, cause I didnt want to. She looked upset and left, guilt trip?

So tomorrow is Day One... I will wear jeans, a shirt and shoes. And already been informed of work drinks, so this should be interesting. Either a bunch of akward chats over champagne, or hey, great chats with great people?

Lasonya is almost ready. For now.

Have added another photo from yesterday, Mum, Nan, Poppy and I, from Mum's camera. Non blurry.

Waiting Game - 10th September 2008

Well, I was meant to be informed today whether I had a job. It is 5pm, and no call.. The feeling of being anxious all day sucks, but it is comforted usually, knowing the anxiety will end at least during the day when you hear a yes or no. But nah its worse when there is no answer at all..
I sent them an email. Will see how that goes.

Well, the afternoon went really well in the end. Mum saw her granddaughter, My grandparents saw their GREAT granddaughter and I sat there and watched and had a ham sandwich. I did not choke though. The tension didnt really exist, so was quite well played out.

Day began with.. well my windows starting up at 1:30am with the speakers up loud, cause my pc decided to reboot on me. Got back to sleep, and then at 7am, got up, Mum and I drove my sister to the train station (a total of 1 minute) and then headed to Cronulla, as Jono had arranged to meet me at the gym. I left Mum to her own devices, whatever they were and met Jono. Intense workout, and learnt a new manouvre (spelling?) which I got excited about. This is a sad sign... No awkward gym man today either. But the guy at the counter is creepy still. Today I chose to not look him in the eye and walked straight through. He didnt appreciate that I believe.

Then left Jono, and met up with Mum. We walked along the beach road, past 5 women in black leggings jogging up and down some stairs, with their skim lattes beside their 4WD big fuck off wheeled prams, all in a line, like the babies were queuing for babycinos. They gave us odd looks. Why? Probably cause we took up their space on the stairs. What dicks we are.

Nice walk and stroll to the next beach and back, random surfers sitting and watching the massive surf. Can never understand why they can sit there for hours stairing at it.. Whether its cause they feel pressured into it, like some sort of religion, or just looking at where they would surf. I will walk past them and just hop or something.

Went to the dreaded shopping centre of the local area with mother after that. I love walking past hand cream sample people. They look at me and go, no he wont want hand cream, and ignore me. Though today, I forgot that I was with a female. A lesbian one, but they didnt need to know that, so approached her with the cream. "It is from the dead sea" "Oh ok.. .. lovely". Damn, she was hooked, even if she didnt want to be. She claimed to the man, who was obviously here on a working holiday visa, she had no money. Nah, this was relevant. I stood 10 metres away, pretending not to know her. 5 minutes later, the salesman accepted that she had no money, and she got away. She purchased some orchids, that had WAY too much water in them and spilt all over our already shit covered backseat of the car. Precious.

Arrived at the house, and Mum and I went in. It didnt seem that uncomfortable. Though Mum was sitting on the lounge and it snapped. I kind of stood there trying not to laugh, while my sister in law's mum lifted up the lounge and examined the protruding leg of the lounge, crumpled. "Ermm... lets get a brick to prop it up!" Good problem solving I say.

Got back home and we watched "Jam and Jerusalem". A BBC show about quirky women in a quirky country town. We laughed. British seem to make even the serious stuff funny.

I wont tell you what I am wearing, its boring.




Blurry, like the day.

Model Hands - 9th September 2008

The other day, I was attempting to cook a rice pudding, cause it was my way of trying to relive a 20 minute period of my life back when I was about 10, eating my great grandmother's rice pudding. I felt good about taking up the tradition of using her recipe. Unknown to the fact it was to turn out shit and even my brother confirmed this.
Anyways, in the process, I typically managed to punch my knuckle into the oven shelf, it was hot for some reason, mainly cause it was turned on, and I gave myself a nice burn over my knuckle. Conclusion, my knuckles,that are attached to my hands, can never be model hands ever again.
A few days later, and the burn isnt liking my hand. Though I still cannot be bothered buying some cream for it. Savlon? Is that the name of it, or a brand?


Went to the gym again this morning. 7:30am. I am starting to really feel like I am taking this seriously. I arrived and the creepy guy at the counter, looked at me creepily. But Jono called saying his Vespa was flat and he needs a lift to the gym. After struggling to remember where he lived.. last time I went there it was dark, I found him and took him back.

Two guys near us, mentor and apprentice, were working out. Yep. In a gym. One of them seemed to think it was his duty to stare me off. While i stood there looking awkward as usual, trying to do dumbell curls without looking like I was trying.

I tried to also balance on an excercise ball, making sure I took a masculine colour, the women there would have opposed me otherwise. Probably not but hey, makes me sound less of a dick. Though couldnt balance with one leg and hand. Basics for me still. One of the personal trainer's claim to fame there is that he is the brother of one of the Gladitors. I would want to hope I had a better claim to fame. Like, hey I am an astronaut.

Got back, and cleaning the house. Course I started with my room and stopped there. Mum is coming tonight, picking her up from the airport, she is down to see Poppy. Though am trying to time it well so that I dont have to pay for parking. Wallet is a bit empty you see. Will be great to see her though.

Will be going with her and my Nan and Pop to see Poppy tomorrow, it will be an interesting session I think. Family politics, and baby politics, who holds baby first and who gets photos first. It really all is quite unnatural and awkward I find. But Poppy, my first niece, is beautiful. My first hold and she cried. I assumed it was cause I was a homosexual, but nah it was cause she was hungry! Go figure hey! But then by the second time she was good, and I didnt feel as awkward holding her. Never really get taught really... and thanks to my sister who reminded how awkward I looked holding her, I felt even more so.

Countdown to finding out if I have this new job as coordinator ticks down... tomorrow is result day. I would do a poll, but noone would vote whether they think I would get it or not. And me doing it by myself is rather, dull/sad/sick/sad/weird.

My dog is lying in the sun, with a collar on, I put it on him. I will leave him to it.

I was going to write... but

I am too tired.

5 weeks into the job, its great and its not, all at once. But am learning heaps.

IS it true that you can be restless your whole life? If you know what you are looking for or want... why don't you ever go and get it? Well I might be too scared, its too big a risk.

Finally adjusted... for now.

So I started a new job 2 weeks ago, working on a football program (the world game type, not aussie type) and I hated it to begin with. Long hours, uneventful watching of footage and logging the "interesting stuff". I will admit I am not a fan of football (soccer) and got dragged to many many games through my life, cause of my brothers and parents love of soccer. So the irony was that I sat (at weird hours cause of edit suites being in use in the day... 2pm-11pm) watching soocer games and guys talking about soccer, when I was the one who hated it. Everyone see this irony yet..

Though now I am starting out on shoots as of Monday and even the footage viewing isnt so bad, something is wrong here!

In other news, nothing much is happening. I keep procrastinating on whether I should write more, since it really is something I want to work on, since it is my best method of communicating by far. I read a few blogs and am challenged to do the same on a more consistent basis yet forget about it within a day or so, so the consistency thing really goes out the window. And for being witty and enthralling everyday, doubt that would happen!

My birthday was almost a month ago now, my party, a great success. Most of the coolest people in my life were there, and we had a dance and a chat. Short and sweet and no throwing up involved, well not from me, and the others did, from alcohol, no other reason... And some top photos. I felt like a facebook slut, I am one yes, yet I felt like more of one, if it is possible. Though there were not enough gay cliche ones, singlets.. sweat.. happy gay faces... nipples.. buff bods. It lacked all the above, though maybe some sweat..

25 next year, bigger and better, or shall I shrug it off? Age is a weird thing, some people fear it, some people pretend not to.. and some people embrace it, until they get to their late 20's and start to fear it, and the others who feared it pretend not to. Me.... I just want to take each year for what it is, and my greatest fear is just letting the years go by and not do anything with it. Not really about the year to come, because that is always the exciting thing. Ok fuck, this is sounding really christian sounding, or a local government council rep visiting the school speech. Miss Congeniality is on, and its on the projector so cant really not notice it, I shall attend to it, even though it IS Sandra Bullock and the steak she is eating no doubtedly is tasteless...

Full stop.

Another year older and a new start

So I turned 24 2 days ago. And I had such an awesome birthday. Heather and Chem, two of my best mates hung out at Cronulla with me and then we did some art works down on the beach. Made out of paper we created the landscape around us. Was so relaxing and chilled.
Then a great dinner with my entire family except my mother of course. Was just so full of happiness and I am so coming to a point where I am so much more content with the present. I am happy.

I got a new job, 3 month contract that starts on the 19th of May. Assistant on a new football superstar show. Irony is that I am not a massive fan of Football (the round ball version). Ah well it is great pay and good experience. And they will love me ;)

Like I said in my last post, chaos and uncertainty creates so much adventure and there is always hope around the corner. Lets keep it up.

Sick and Unemployed

It is amazing how quickly things change. No matter what happens in my life, I still am a little surprised. I guess that is a good thing, since then life isnt so dull, nor too exciting.

So I got laid off from the job of production coordinating the new show. They couldn't afford to keep me on while they wait for the go ahead. I completely understand yet, it sucks for obvious financial reasons as well as morale in general.

That word morale.. .it is drilled in my head to make me think of Year 12 Modern History, and the morale of the troops in WW1 and back at home in Australia, the general public's morale. Geesh, good times..

I also am a tad sick, spending my days in bed under my duvet, watching useless DVDs. I think you end up watching the junk that you should never watch, when you are sick, but hey the external is reflecting the internal, sickness.

To sum it up, things are pretty rough right now. I am confused in general, where I want to head, who I want to share life with, who I want to be, and to be honest with myself at all times, and with others.

A lot of my past continues to bubble to the surface and it causes me a lot of distress. Family, Sexuality and Religion. The three walls that surround me so often, make me feel uneasy and there is no pillow to rest my head. I want to tackle this, so I can find peace, and work towards the passions inside, that die to come out.

I was walking past a car park on the way home from work one day, and saw this scene of computers all piled up. I took a photo because it intrigued me. The chaos and mess, that once held so much information and order. Now all ready to be thrown out. I loved the analogy, yet I guess I will admit it reminded me of how I felt. That sounds depressing, but in some way, the image fascinated me, so it cant be all negative.

Easter come and gone

So Easter... came early this year, so its buggered off the other side already. I only got one bunny this year off Lou... plus some home made ones from Neal.





Canberra was good by the way, the memorial was so worth the entire trip.





So where am I.... another slow week at work, just Denis and I. I man the house... No, not like that crap Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie... what the hell happened to that guy by the way.... google.... Ok so it seems he is alive... yet will always be just known as the voice of Simba and the middle child in Home Improvement.

So I am in a bit of a muddled headspace at the moment. I dont think I really have dealt with some past stuff. So am going to challenge myself to tackle it now. I shall try write out some of it as I progress. Yes, I even am going to talk to someone "professional"

I got a wedding tomorrow. It is the wedding of Lauren, one of my first childhood friends. It is going to be so bizarre, for so many reasons. She was like a little sister to me growing up, and yet now she is growned up and stuff. As well as the main reason of... like most of my old friends, we have grown apart ever since I came out. Three years on and its just as awkward now. So I will be watching from the outside tomorrow, in. Why do I go you ask? Cause, I always imagined the day I would go to Lauren and Jenna's weddings (Jenna is her sister) and I could stand there proud. So much has changed, yet, not my care for those two.





And close the hallmark card.





Here is Jonathon Taylor Thomas. Why? I dont know. He never was that good looking. Though its cheap and no shirt.

Another Friday, another Weekend

Slow Friday afternoon at work. And yes I am on here.

Off to Canberra, the Nation's capital tonight. Havent been there in 4 years... not since a cousins wedding. Why is it that random destinations are only ever travelled to unless it is "a cousins/friends wedding" or something of the like.

This time it is to see fireworks, cause Neal... likes fireworks, so hey, I will trudge along. Ok not trudge but happily come along too.

I hear Robyn is playing at the V festival soon, and I would maybe even sacrifice the 130 dollars to go PLUS battle the crowds that I dislike, to see her. Should I... we shall see.

Production on "the phone" has been halted for now. Wont start till late June/July it seems. Which does suck, payrise wont happen until then, therefore I cannot move out or get a car!! All this and my Dad might be moving back in soon with my stepmum, not good news.

I could make this blog topical, like, what shall we wear this winter or... is Darwin REALLY that hot? Speaking of that, Neal might be posted to Darwin soon. I got the choice then to move up there with him or stay put. Another decision to be made. I might add photos up of Canberra next week.

Lloyd. And here is a random photo of Lucas Neil, Aussie soccer player. Neal is a fan, I do like the body.

When you say you will do something.. and dont

Well yeah, I never ended up blogging my trip overseas. Though it would have been full of, we did this, we did that, this was funny, oh and he was totally weird.

Is that my excuse? Ha dunno.

Well it is now March, and back on track for another year. I ended up having 5 months off in total. Unplanned of course, but yeah its what happened. And cant really recall exactly what I ended up doing...

Now I am back working at my old job, and in a month or so, working as production coordinator for a new Foxtel series. A move up in the world, and a payrise.

Though, I am a wanderer. In 18 months I plan to move to another country and see how it goes there. I work to live, not live to work.

Mardi Gras came and went. Was such a good night, plenty of gay ness for everyone. The after party was MUCH better than last year, I actually enjoyed it. Apart from the pissing down rain and me not wearing not much during that time. Oh and the toilets. Do I need to explain..

Lets say, this year could be a year worth living.