To be fit or to not bother.

I reckon you should only ever get fit, for your own personal want. Not to impress, as having this as your only goal will always make you feel down because it will never be good enough. To accept that whoever ends up liking you will like you for who you are, is actually a true reality. Looking after yourself in mind and body for yourself is what is best. Wow talk about a self help blog intro.. delete, delete.

Spent the morning down south Sydney at Cronulla, had a breakfast for my sister's 21st with siblings and my Mum. The dynamics are always interesting, with the last 5 years causing a lot of different tensions and resolutions and resettling of how u

s kids interact with our mum. Its like foreign land mixed with familiar soil. I had a bacon and egg roll, and a strawberry smoothie. I swear they taste the same as strawberry milkshakes but throughout the cafe years, it is engrained in us that smoothie means "healthier". Must have been feeling healthy with my bacon and egg roll.

Sunday today, quiet weekend and I decided I would shout myself a movie. This means I would buy a movie ticket for myself (not like every other movie ticket is bought by someone else or magic fairies) but more, I am going alone. I have no issue with this, as who talks through a film anyways. Is it the insecurity feeling of people wondering what I am d

oing there alone? Hm but at least noone judges you for putting Maltesers in popcorn.

My brother Craig has signed himself and me up as a team in an adventure race, held in the Royal National Park in May. This is TOTALLY out of character for me to say yes to. But because it is TOTALLY our of character for me to say yes to, I said yes. So

we have 4 months of training with kayaks, mountain bikes and running, for an adventure race. Thinking about it, its an excuse to keep diligently

exercising (the word diligent is only ever used in school report cards so am dropping it in for flair) and also an excuse to see

my brother at least once a week. Forced bonding time and stuff. So it should be fun! Lets learn how to... kayak! Then compete as kayakers from the seven seas, in 4 months. So let it

begin.

This is me looking ready.

Nameless

So my new nephew was born about 5 mins after I clicked send on the last post, so Australia day. Though do I really want to do two posts on one day. Naturally no. So its going up now.

Drove to the hospital, hadnt been there in years (which is a good thing if you think about it, no random babies to see or no sad reason to be there) and this was the hospital me and my siblings were all born in. Though it had a renovation, well maybe more than that, since they knocked it all down and started again. They actually were selling the bricks from the old hospital JUST in case there were people, like me, who actually wanted a piece of the old hospital to signify I have some building material of the building I was born in. No I never did purchase any, mainly cause I was concerned I would end up with a brick from the psychology ward and not the actual birthing suite area.

So after trying to find the entrance for a while and being trapped at some dead end called "Gumnut playhouse" I turned around, found the entrance and then finally found the birthing suite. Had to press a buzzer and say my sister in law's name. Felt like prison... but then it didnt cause there were no bars and lots of baby photos stuck around the place, from mothers who thought the hospital cared what their baby looked like now. Because, only probably 50-100 babies are born there each week and all...

We waited for a while until she was ready and then we all piled into the room. My brother was there looking a bit shell shocked, in a good way (though I am sure there was no good definition of that from the original war mental health syndrome) but looking really happy at same time. The little fella was all bundled up in his clear tank thing and there was no way he was moving anywhere. They have not come up with a name for him yet, which I think is kinda cool. Cause names are such a thing where, they stick with you for life and coming up with a name before you are born is a bit odd.. a few days of being nameless is kind of a space to allow a name to come to the parents. So still waiting on that..

Was my turn to hold him, and he was pretty light and secure. Though he started slightly crying after a while and there is that bloke panic inside of you going, shit I have to find someone to give this to so the crying isnt connected with me. But noone wanted him and thought it was amusing I was stuck with crying baby. But then I gently rocked him and he stopped, yeah go me

Nice afternoon in the end, good end to Australia day and seeing my family all around a new member.

I need to buy groceries.

And this is a storm cloud coming over the other day. Was pretty beautiful.

Cheese and Vegemite sandwich

I didnt feel Australian enough on this Australia day today, so I grabbed a Cheese and Vegemite sandwich, and also a cold glass of Milo (with naturally more Milo than milk).

Good thing that Australian things such as this, are available when the cupboard is pretty much empty. Basic, and simple.

So on my Australia day I woke up at 11:30am and had no idea what day it was and the cockroach on the ceiling probably did. That was the struggle. But it was a public holiday and I had a day before having to go back to work again and approach the 185 emails my iPhone says I have for work. Arent they meant to be handy and helpful devices, this time it wasnt.

My sister in law is currently in labour and we should find out soon if a baby boy or girl is now alive and well and part of the family. It is still pretty surreal, going to buy a baby card and knowing (well if my sister in law does what my mum did) that she will place the cards in a scrapbook for her baby to read one day. Why is this surreal you ask, let me explain why this is surreal. Because as a human accepting life moves on and we grow up, a point of reference of a new place and time such as the next generation being born, allows us to see we are on the next chapter. So my baby card scrapbook seems old. Elephant or Sandcastle card?

Walked up the street last night to the 7 eleven to buy ice creams for my mates as we had a dinner at our house (Drew cooked awesome lamb). Ross came with me. Was a humid night and just simply walking down the concrete path, running shoes hung over the power lines, cicadas singing and a gentle breeze, there was no mistaking we were in Australia. And I do like this place. There, thats my Australia day reflection. That and the milo comment.

I also have a new mac. Me me me. Thats what blogs are for yeah?

There is a planned trip to one of my favourite spots in Sydney, cant wait. Photo from last year..

Rain, Sunday, no plans = bliss

What is the pivotal reason behind a duvet, dvd, rain outside and no plans and that being amazing? You dont even need anyone else to enjoy it. And its simple.
Just like pushing my niece on a swing, and her giggling like its the best thing ever, saying "more". Simple stuff helps you have a point of reference of realising, what is worth it in this world.

Went out with mates last night, and always fanastic to hang out with them and just forget about any worries. Or talk about them and bounce ideas around. Last night was one of those nights. It was also one of those nights where I experenced about 4 different times people saying hi to me at a bar and me not remembering why I know them so begin playing this game show of.. "How does Lloyd know this person?" No game show music though, well outside of my head. But it was a fun game no less. But felt a bit bad it happened 4 times. BUT then I felt heaps better when I said hi to a guy I knew through work and we had a chat etc. Then he came back later and then said "sorry, before I had no idea why I knew you, but have since worked this out". Which I found awesome, he was playing his version of my game show. Or his game show, it probably has slightly different rules.

Also spent all day yesterday on the beach at Manly. I am not really a fan of Northern beaches of Sydney, as they are hard to access and only one real main road that is always crawling with traffic. Who would want to live there? Manly beach isnt even that good. There was a surf rowing event going on there that my company was sponsoring and we also wanted to use it as a backdrop for a shoot. It was the hottest day of summer so far, measuring 46 degrees on the beach. I didnt get burnt.much.more.than.usual. But it was fun, cause the guys I were with are good guys, and the model Matt is a good bloke and heaps helpful and intelligent. One of the shots was a low flying helicopter coming in from the ocean to the shore, filming Matt standing on the beach. Will be awesome to see the shots. Those kind of days are reasons why my job can be very fun and different. Even though it was a Saturday.

Tried to get a Kangaroo burger from a store at the beach yesterday but the sign read "due to heavy rains in northern territory, roos have been unable to be found or shot, therefore we have no meat today". So I had chicken.

Friday is the new Thursday...

This image was in a park in London. I was alone and waiting for a friend and this sign was... how do you say... really surreal but not surprising?

Still waking up this morning, its meant to be about 35 degrees today but left the air conditioning on all night and I am frozen. If we arent whinging its too hot, its too cold.

My mate Chem, Jane and I were hunting for a piercing parlour on Sunday cause they both wanted to be spontaneous and get a piercing. They were also slightly intoxicated so it could have had something to do with it, so we were walking around the city and discovering that piercing people still respect the sabbath it seems and every single one was closed. Jane hadnt gotten the courage to get one for a while. The last time she did, she walked into the store, and a dwarf walked up to her to ask her how he could help. She froze and backed back out of the store. So since we couldnt find one, we ate mexican food and then danced in a pub, telling each other what they had to dance like. My dances were, a broken photocopier and the global financial crisis. Nailed it.

Work this week was tough, challenging and really pushing me. With the combination of adjusting back here and feeling pretty uncertain about the future and where I want to go, it was just one of those weeks where I will look back and go, yeah I like that week now, but at the time, who is up for a scooby doo marathon??

I find I dont often enough talk about music here. When music really helps people keep walking, thinking, dreaming. Florence + the Machine and her song "Swimming" keeps running through my head and makes me smile.

Cockroaches have eaten half a painting I painted, which is a bit sad because of the meaning behind the painting originally, but a friend of mine pointed out, if you dont hate the cockroaches and actually put little name tags on them, they have become art critics. So... what you saying about my art? Reconstructing the interpretation? That sounded like an art term.

I am never going to need this fireplace in my room and it takes up a perfectly good wall where my piano could go.

clicking "Next blog"

Have you ever, gotten bored of say.. what I have to say on here and up the top right clicked "next blog". I thought I would find this amazing variety of deep and interesting blogs. Nope. I clicked 10 times and in those 10 times, 6 of them were "Moms" with photos of their child/ren and christmas and talking about how happy they feel to pack up christmas decorations and welcome in 2010 and that Luke doesnt sleep well at night. Is this for Grandma? One blog was about a dead Pakistan man who has a blog with his eulogy on it, and another was a technical blog that looks like noone reads.

Oh wait, then someone clicks to mine and then clicks "next blog". I thought it was interesting anyways.

Sydney, home?

I swear I am the king of procrastination. I fear it and I live it.
My UK trip came and went and it was simply, right. From the moment I landed I was back in a place where I somehow connected with back in 2005 and instantly found my playground and world where I could be anyone and meet new people and have a new life. When I landed there a few weeks ago, I felt that sense again and I think it never grows old. Well, my young age tells me that, but I am sure it probably does.
I met people I was meant to meet, I saw people I already knew and also had closure to other situations. Didnt expect it to be as important as it was and I left feeling gutted, simply because when you have lived in two places in the world, a piece of you will always be in both and it will remain that way.
I could sit here and write amusing anecdotes about my trip, and treat this entry like a travel journal, but I wont. I got those memories and photos, and have already talked about the trip to a few mates, so its out of my system.
Though I saw a lady yesterday, walking through the Domain yesterday, midde aged, lost and had rainbow coloured socks. She just kept walking to a place in the grass, standing there, then going to another, then moving again. Restless, and like some chickens, people can be restless too. Speaking of chickens, Denis, my pet chicken died. Sad moment but alas, it happens and she lived 8 years and starred in a youtube video, and not many chickens get to do that, but I guess more and more do, in this era. So RIP Denise.
Back to closure, me and my friend Heather accepted we were going different ways a lot and learning to have a new kind of friendship where we wont rely on each other as such, because it never really allowed someone else to be that person for us. I know for myself it ruined a past relationship for me. And so now I feel quite free, that a major reason like that, which held me back, makes future look promising.
I am back in Sydney and its bloody hot, and I do love this place and the laid back yet also fickle people here (they exist everywhere, for those who think Australia is some dreamy visually stunning place with beer drinkers, full stop). And will always see this as my home, but I am not giving up on UK and life there, I will be back there one day, and like a mate said today, "you are so impatient Lloyd, do your time and make the most of here". Which is very true.
A cockroach just twitched on my floor, didnt really put up the notice to them yesterday about the insect bomb I launched yesterday, oh but now they wish I did. Oh, that joke now made me feel a bit of remorse.
Work is tough simply because its post holiday period and also was a reason why I burnt out at end of last year, but with new focus I am sure it will be fine. 2010 is another decade of ramble and hope.

Dedicated to Denise, the chicken. ?-?-2003? to 8-01-2010
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U9uBXSaI3k