things just happen... slowly and fast

Got back from a photoshoot a few days ago.. which was the first big one for me. It was an intense (mainly because of the 2200KM drive to QLD and back) and interesting time. Got to know work mates even better and we managed to get some great images we were all proud of. One of those moments where all the hard work and energy pays off. But I got a sore throat on Day 2 and it got worse and worse and lost my voice, which was amusing to all, well for me for about half a day.. so it looked like everything I had to say was a secret. That joke got old Matt. I was left with the cleaners from one of our hotels and had to try explain we had left a pillow behind, with no voice. they made smart jokes about I am sure my girlfriend is happy I have no voice and to take my rubbish I left. Since when do cleaners NOT clean up rubbish??? Id say fire them.

Hit a wall Saturday evening after managing to find some accommodation finally! It was a Bates Motel and Kevin found a hooker shoe under his bed. I kind of just collapsed on my bed and had a bit of a cry. Wow typing that sounds so pathetic, but just was exhausted and didnt realise how sore my whole body was with sickness and how tired I was. Emotions huh.

The plan was to head to UK on 22ND for Christmas, but sadly Heather has to head back to Sydney cause a close family friend has suddenly died. So I would be in UK by myself.. so looking like I am pushing it back to post Christmas. Also so I can get healthier before I fly. Now I may or may not know what the Obamas feel like sometimes. But I guess it means I can have christmas with the family now. Will be the first time all us kids are there for christmas since 2002. That is kind of cool.

I finished my writing course, it was a load of crap really. First few weeks were cool then it turned into a bad grade 10 english comprehension class that was open book. It taught nothing and I was really disappointed. So dont ever do a Sydney Writers Centre online course. Just in case anyone was thinking of it! But I did learn a bit and will attempt, no I... will (correct attitude noted) write some more stuff.

Now I am stuck watching Oprah again so need to change the channel.

Attempting

So I have done two weeks of the course and apart from the annoying woman's voice who teaches online, it is quite interesting and going through a lot of good points and stuff.... see my writing is improving already! Good and stuff hey.

My sister had her engagement party last night. It was really cool, to just see so many extended family members there and people I havent seen in years. Though the sad part was I doubt that we will ever have any massive parties like that again in my family home. But the good thing was Dad and Mum could both come and there not be any awkwardness, its been 4 years since it all ended so time does really move forward things.

My neighbour got plastered and it was hilarious. Mostly christians at this party and then my neighbour, who is a middle aged typicially Australian lady, calling everyone "luv" and continuously drinking cheap wine. It was my favourite form of entertainment for the night, she is awesome. So much more real than others there.

Here is my first assignment. We had to write a paragraph of the opening of a novel. To try and grab the reader's attention:

"They said they were running 5 minutes late, but looking at the clock, it was another twenty minutes since I answered my mobile. I hope they like my shirt... Did I even wear the right shirt? Short sleave, black and blue chequered, lapels on the shoulders. Denise, with the green broach, said she never trusts someone with a short sleaved shirt. But I didn’t know this was going to happen today, but Denise is right, I wouldn’t trust me either nor did this room. It pushed at me, an unwelcome visitor, even my aftershave was intruding on the rich smell of home, that someone called home. My black shoes, almost hovering on the cool tiles, detached from the silence that kept this place in the past."

And then second assignment was to write a personals ad for someone really not similar to you and then someone that the character knows has discovered it, so the character has to justify it:

"Part 1:

45 year old female, recently single, dog massage therapist. Attractive, lives with her four dogs and has own car. Seeking mature man who reflects the same passion for human’s best friend and is a non smoker. A man who does not like cricket and enjoys a glass of wine at night.

Part 2:

Lucy,

I know you may say it is too soon, but a woman must move on. Your father has passed on, at least six weeks ago and I have needs too. Why were you even reading the classifieds? Where you looking for something yourself? I didn’t even knew you read the newspaper!

I do not have to justify my desire to send this ad in, I wrote what I did because I believe it’s the next step. And do not hound me about the cricket comment, because I may have pretended to like your father’s love of cricket, but it was your father’s love of cricket that truly drove him to his death, that or the smoking. And so I simply would like a man who would prefer to hang the washing out with me, or teach Daphne to talk. By the way, Daphne is the newest cocker spaniel, I don’t think you have met her, absolutely gorgeous.

And yes, I may not have been as stunning as when I was 40, but the dogs do take it out of you. My customer base is growing and my talent with dogs simply is reflected by the demand. A man who supported me in this and who was even willing to learn to massage canines too, would be a great load off my shoulders.

So please respect my decision, just as I respect yours and the ever so slow grief you are going through over your father. And I am not an alcoholic; I just respect the culture surrounding the intricate taste of wine with my meal at night.

Love Mum. "


I have been having a lot of fun writing it. Recorded here, for the sake of... the internet and stuff.

Booked...

I finally booked in for the creative writing course. I opted for the online class, so I can do it at evenings and when I can. Probably also means I still have the phobia of going to a new place, where I would sit in a class room full of strangers, when really I do that everyday.. walking around the streets (not in a homeless way).

So it starts Monday October 25th. I am going to put out here whatever I am made to write each week. That way I will be on top of it. Sounds good ahuh.

Heather flew back to UK a few days ago, but I am not THAT concerned cause I am gonna see her at Christmas when I fly over there. But yeah sucks we dont get to hang as much, but life is life! No whinging here.

Last night went to a dance called "Polly's". A mate of mine describes it well, he says its like a church dance in a run down hall, run by old gay uncles. It is nothing like you have ever seen before. You feel like you are in a daggy hallmark movie, but its so fun. Noone cares and you just have fun with friends. Dancing non stop for about 4 hours, with an amusing show half way through the night. It was amazing as usual though Chem threw a toilet brush at Ross and Ross wasnt that happy about that, as the toilet brush landed in his cubicle and onto his head. Chem was a tad tipsy obviously. I had a woman attempt to kiss me, she was dressed up as a french slut I think (it was french dress up theme). Though dodged the bullet, her hideous lipstick landing on my ear.

My faith is being sparked again, I feel a book I am reading called Velvet Elvis, that my friend Phil originally gave me last year and never read but then a friend lauren sent it to me last month, is really helping me. It talks about God in a way that people would understand, and not this judgemental representaton the church has of him. Like the simple fact that anyone can talk to him. Not just the ones who are "accepted". And no I am not preaching. I am just excited I feel some relevance again with the whole spriritual side of things. I am loving it. Missed it.

The life spin..

So its now October, 2009. The 14th.

My dog died, Sister got engaged and I bought a new remote control. The old one I kept banging on the ledge of the glass table too much to get it to work and i cracked the table and accepted I would go purchase a new one, with more padding.

Todd, the dalmation who I was given when I was 15 (10 years ago) had a fit and died. He had fits everyday (not the deadly kind) and not the literal kind, so it was suited he went out this way. Dont get me wrong, it was sad and the poor fella died of heat stroke too, but I am glad he went out in style. He escaped with our other dog Riley the golden retriever on a Friday night about a month ago, and ran around the neighbourhood for 2 days... non stop. Finally he was found but the silly dogs couldnt find any water.. hence the heat stroke. RIP Todd. Is it bad that I sort of feel free though a bit. I have moved out of home and was paying 10 bucks a week to my brother and sister in law for them to feed him back at the family home... and now dont have to find a new home for him (he had...social ... issues).

Sis got engaged a few weeks ago. It was a bit of a shock, but she is happy and ready for it. So I just gotta get a wedding mix of CDs or some crap ready. Love shack and.... Grease yeah?

Work is non stop, but I love it. I am constantly challenged and thrown in the deep end. I could talk about the models and the photo shoots, but I wont. Its not why I have this space. But lying on wet grass on a random soccer oval, holding an aussieBum surfboard, being shouted at to "curve" the unbendable surfboard so it fits in the shot better, and having the model pretty much standing right on top of me in his undies, is just bizarre. I mutter, I am so glad I dont work a city office block job in a suit and tie... The best part of that day was when I got to film with the video camera, behind the scenes footage. Its what I love to do, but its stupid how I shy away from it, simply cause its my passion. Unlike passionfruit.

2 months until I go to UK for Christmas! Magners Cider here I come. And the tube.

Tigh came for his second visit to Australia. It was a great month, was rocky at times but overall I think was another good experience. Though sadly he has to go to his country and I stay here. Emotonally I shut down simply cause I dont beleive in long distance. Along with I think we both got a lot of growng to do. So the whole thing was left up in the air and no idea what to do... it sucks.


IKEA lamps were on sale too. But I didnt get any cause hey, I dont want to look gay do I...

Fleeting forward

I moved out of home a month ago.

I never thought it would be that easy. I used to have nightmares about the day I would have to say goodbye to that home down in south Sydney, but no, it was a simple goodbye and then drove out the driveway and off into the inner city.

I think it was because I had already lived out of home and coming back home I had always felt wrong being there, like I had gone backwards.

So I now live in the inner west of Sydney, 7 minutes from work and anything else really.

Have you ever gotten a belt loop on your jeans stuck on the door latch at work as you walk out of the bathroom in front of everyone? Nah neither.

Work is amazing. It has given me a whole new push in life. I am vitalized, happy and feel so confident. I dont dread work and love everyday of it. Its challenging and I have so many random things to do. Help organise photo shoots, castings, marketing, promo and pr, production etc etc. A world of opportunity. I am so thankful to have been given this position and I am moving faster than ever before.

Though a canvas I tried to hang in my room today is buckled. That sucked.

Tigh is here again in 2 weeks. It will be pretty awesome! We had a fun time 4 months ago, and we are off to Cairns and other places. I have never been that far north before, I cant wait to just feel some heat and get away from drizzly Sydney for a few days. And also to just go exploring in a place I havent been before so I cant act like I know everything about it. I get the crap paid out of me for that one!

I am so busy with twitter for aussieBum and facebook that I dont get much chance to use this much. alas, it happens hey.

A birthday: A quarter of a century

So I turned 25. And had a good set of people celebrate with me for my birthday. Family dinner at tapas restaurant, where my family had no idea what the hell tapas what, let alone sangria. Multicultural family we are!
Then on the Saturday I had mates come with me for drinks. I decided to throw caution to the wind and let my mates who didnt know each other, all come along and just let them interact. Now that was interesting.. Good job boys!
Work is really quite intense. I help organise photo shoots, meetings, castings... I run the twitter and facebook pages. I have strange gay men messaging me who are stoked I work for aussieBum. I am being really pushed and out of my comfort zone. But I love it, I feel alive!

I hopefully have found a place to move to and I will finally be able to move out of the family home and be myself in Sydney. Not trapped in the family home, not like its really trapped but just, its very much about time I was in my own place.

Eurovision is on and amusing as always. How do all the songs sound the same??

Crazy rolling

Strolling through Ashfield and Leichhardt, I KNOW I am not in The Shire anymore. It is quite novel really. I had to hunt down a dictaphone yesterday. For one, noone except me it seems knew what one was, apparently the word is outdated. Now its a digital recording device for voice. Hmm a tad longer but hey. I scored one and navigated myself out of Ashfield, thanks to my handy google maps on my blackberry. Yeah I went corporate.
Emails on your phone makes you insane really. It makes work come to you, at 2am. I learnt to turn off my sound though, so work comes silently and politely. Whether that is polite or I am placing niceness on work emails.
Work has been great. I have set down running and havent stopped. But not in the huff puff , shit I want to stop and walk for a while kind.. but the hey I am fairly fit. But might take it at a good pace so I dont burn out. Hmm the analogy had something to do with my running through the dog park near me this morning. You would think it would be pleasant. It was kinda but it was combined with a bad smell and amusing sausage dogs.
Tigh is coming back over in August for a month, and its already flying closer and closer. Its a great milestone to look forward to, otherwise this year seems to have not much direction. Plans to go to London for christmas are still in the works though.
Moving out, yes it WILL happen, even if my mates say that have heard that a hell of a lot of times. One bedroom apartment though thanks.. I cant handle share houses. I will pay more just to enjoy the fun of doing the washing up in my undies.
These updates are poor I know and rushed, once I get my head on tigher I will get into more of a routine, plenty of amusing and odd stories already.
Bright sunshine on trees with a dark storm cloud behind it. One of the best contrasts in nature.
Oh, the photo... being a dick at a model casting at work. Thanks Brett..

Turning point

So I am sitting here. And I hear my sister and her bf watching a chick flick in the next room. Its dark outside, as its our first day without day light saving and the laptop fan quietly hums.

About a month ago, I had 12 hours to make a decision. Leave behind film and TV aspirations for now and jump into a world I know nothing about and take a chance. So I took it.

Tomorow I start work in fashion. Running around, feeling like the chick from Devil Wears Prada, the walking irony. And where on earth will it take me? Who knows, but hey, life is about living it like a movie, no matter how bloody cliche that is. I will be pushed, thrown into the deep end and I always swim. Too stubborn to sink, as Neal says.

So the adventure continues before me, as it does for everyone else.

The runway is coming up fast

So I left my job, have had a week off and another to go. I went to Adelaide and visited friends there, had a blast, and I even almost missed my plane back to Sydney and it became a Home Alone moment, where I ran for the gate and got on just as they were doing the safety instructions.

Tigh arrived and I had an awesome time. I think about a lot of loss and confusion and uncertainty, to hang out with another human being who has so much warmth, inspiration and fun, I really saw life in a great way.

I find it so hard to summarise so many weeks into one blog. Especially when I lose motivation. Life is good. I begin running very soon, into the new industry of fashion. Somehow I got there without ever planning to. Yet it feels right and good. The runway is getting closer and I gotta be prepared to land. Runway, huh like the fashion sort, no the plane sort.

Neal and I hang out sometimes. It can be hard but it can also be good. The warmth and beautiful person he is remains and its now him and I learning to work out how we can be friends and use our connection for a different purpose. Are we just naive? Who knows?

I am booking in a creative writing course soon, it shall be super! wow It better be cause my lack of words right now is quite shit.

Tis the Season

Mardi Gra season that is. I am not going to march this year, but just watch and hope I dont get TOO pissed off with the crowds. I expect that my space is the most important to me, so assume everyone else thinks so too. Nah. Chem, Karina, Tigh and I are gonna go watch parade then somehow find a place to drink and dance. No After Party for me either, am I just way too much of an old man?

Tigh lands here in the morning. Kind of surreal really, to finally meet an online friend. We go on the tourist thing next week and see cool stuff most tourists dont see, which I pride myself in. Will give an update when it happens.

I have one more week in my job. They are trying to find a replacement. None yet, but have had 280 applications! Impressive! I wonder if they had that many when I got this job... Or they had two to choose from and because I have a double L in my name I scored the job. Probably.

I lost my phone on Wednesday. Gutted was I, not very interesting story really, but it means I now have scored a Blackberry. Tad concerned, tad excited about it. Concerned cause it is nicknamed the Crackberry, and excited cause I need a new addiction.

I was in the newspaper yesterday, about the photo exhibition my friend Iain has going at the moment, with the portrait of Neal, Heather, Chem, Karina, Louise and I. Article is about me and being gay in the shire. Surreal to see myself in it. It is such an honour to be in the exhibition and help others see that its ok to be gay, and also beginning to reconcile so much hurt in the church, because of the all rejection and misunderstanding. I see it as a massive opportunity to just be myself and say, hey its all good, its ok.

Wow this post is all about I, I and I. Oh wait its a blog, its meant to be. Supposedly the new generation is being forced into narcisism. Doesnt surprise me.

Hey a puppy! My boss looks after puppies from a shelter until they find a home. Sweet deal really when the cute puppy runs around near me all day.

Next..

Yesterday I handed in my resignation at my company. I sat down in the chair in the make-shift meeting room and sighed. My boss looks at me and goes "You are going to resign aren't you you little fucker!" In a friendly tone, she wasnt verbally abusing me. I chuckled and said, "Yeah".

She supported me and said I should take it. I gave them one month's notice, so end there on the 20th of March.

I called my new boss, to tell him when I would be starting, he encouraged me to try get a shorter time space of notice, for my own benefit but in the end decided to stick to my word. And also help them find a replacement.

The day prior to this, my contract was couriered to me at my office. I read over it at night, I informed my father I would be now working for an underwear company as the Exec. Assistant to the CEO. Surprisingly he was very cool and supportive. Even though it had nothing to do with the field I have been working in. Then I went outside and fed the dogs. Denise the chicken didnt eat her dried dog food, which I thought was very odd, so knelt down to look at her closely. She had one of her eyes shut, the poor bird is going blind. So I scattered the food beside her left side and she went to it, in this awkward kind of way. Looks like Denise is on her way out.

Never ask the feminine hygiene bin guy what the Datona car races are when he mentions them. While he is holding the used bin that he is taking away. Because he will stand there for 8 minutes and explain the amazing thing that is Datona and also look at you horrifed that you havent seen one on TV let alone gone to see them. Then shakes your hand to say goodbye, though he did take his glove off to do so, I will give him that. Noted everyone?

So, Lloyd takes a step sideways and then into another industry, fashion. He now works for Aussiebum.

180

So it has been a few weeks, once again, blah blah blah.

Heather left, exactly a week ago. This time last week I was queuing at the airport to get Oportos Chicken when I found out Heather was leaving 30 mins early so to rush to Starbucks and hang with her before she went through the gates. Chem came with me. We walked up to the tables and her family was sitting there, in this circle. No other choice but to join the circle and face her father and her siblings. Most who I havent spoken to in 3 years. I didnt make eye contact and just spoke to Heather. It felt like any other day and we made chit chat.
10 mins past and we walked to the gate. Heather said bye to her family and then goodbye to me. She turned and walked to the gate, and didnt turn around. I was proud she didnt. Once she was gone.. It was quite the anticlimax. My head told me to get upset cause my best friend wont be near me for about a year, but my emotions always take ages to catch up. Plus at same time, there was some relief. It was a big lead up to her going, so for it to finally happen was a good thing. She goes off on an adventure, and my life goes to another chapter. Wow thats all quite dramatic isnt it.

Mr Tigh comes to visit me in 3 weeks from today. Quite surreal really! Will be great to meet him in person and show him the ways of Sydney and Australia. Cause I am all skilled up on how an aussie deals with the woes and ways of this hardship town. What? Yeah dunno.

I have been offered a position at a new company, that I have been trying to work out if I will take. It is a massive opportunity and I would be very willing to dive into it. I wont specify currently, until it is all in concrete but will once it is in concrete. Sucks to get your feet in concrete though, it sets and then you would be screwed. You would get hungry and couldnt even run and get some lamb chops.

Scenery is something I am really neglecting at the moment. How simple yet intricate a scene out a window or a sunset can be. Noted. Need to look out for them more, it really can make you sing. Not like Disney song sing, well maybe that, but more you soul just agrees with the expression that is going on around you through your vision.

The bushfires down in Victoria have been unfathomable. Up to 300 lost, Aussies who saw and died in the horror of a fire storm. Australia really does band together and support each other when this kind of thing happens. We as a country just dont see these things at all and so just reach out and do anything we can, so we dont feel helpless and stare blankly at our TV screens while the media swamp us with images of burnt out houses and koalas being given water from a water bottle. We dont really know hey. But we will do what we can.

I so often feel like I expect people to notice my thoughts. To pick up on them like it was a 100 dollar note in the street. And then I get upset when they dont. Really, its quite lazy to assume or expect this, and not do what most do, and speak up. But then the fear that when you do, you wont get a response or even recognition that you spoke.
I am constantly thinking, how to better follow my gut. And combined with always trying to make sure everyone around me is happy, but most of the time, doing both does not work, it does not compute to an equals sign of happiness for the universe. Cause yeah of course my actions and life ARE the centre of the universe..

My mum sends me a text the other day saying "Jenny is leaving me". Jenny being the woman she left our family for. I really didnt know what to say or think, so I didnt say anything. Another awesome trait of mine. I have always been so under pressure growing up to say and do something in any situation, so now I am the opposite, refuse to feel pressured. So now get the situations where either someone I care about, or potentially WILL care about, says stuff and opens up, and if I am happy to listen, but then dont know how to answer their qualms, I just am silent. So therefore I am doing what I fear people will do to me. Speaking up and then having no response. Epiphony (spelling, pff yeh?) I do what I hate others doing. Should really take a note of that.

I was offered a massive opportunity today. So I have to not hesitate. I really shouldnt. The more risks you take the more you get back I reckon.

Stagger but excited

Last week involved being tied up and had permanant marker written all over me.

This week was a flat out week at work, first week of the year, but I loved it.

Something I worked out, is that I can be so hesitant about my perceptions. I notice something yet do nothing about it, cause my whole life I was told to not go with my gut feelings but to do what God wanted. So even now I am hestiant to follow through with things sometimes and it drives me up the wall. But since I can now verbalise what the hell frustates me so much, its all a continuous wham.

My toe feels a bit better but yeah think I definatley broke it cause it still hasnt gone away. No more running in thongs for me, or flip flops.

New Year was spent with Heather. We got kicked out of Huskisson pub at 10pm, and so found glowsticks lying in playground bark, heather went off to some fence and watched the water while i climbed the giant play equipment. It was fun, then we got to the car, we turned it into a bed and listened to an audio montage on the radio of the events of 2008 (some were really not worth mentioning) and then said woo happy 2009.

Craig is here from yesterday (my brother from Singapore) and its been good. Us 4 siblings just laughing and hanging out. Dad loves it too, his 4 kids under one roof for a few days.

Gym is going well, and I have seen that blind man I accidently knocked over.

I helped clean out the office's storage facility yesterday. I found these old dodgey garbage bags and put my hand into them. I felt something squishy and cold. I opened it up to the light and there was a mutilated leg with blood all over it. It was fake but a prop from the movie "the ruins" that we worked on. Bloody gave me a heart attack... it even had leg hair in the silicon leg, and it was as heavy as a leg would be, the ankle was bitten into and blood painted all over it. I was entralled and wanted to work out how to get posession of it. The 1001 different pranks I could pull.... There was also a hand and another foot. I died of laughter at all the pranks i pulled in my head anyways.

2 months till my gym goal. I sound so lame saying that, but its true. If I dont talk about it.. it isnt there. Oh wait, thats the church.